Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Prosecution Rests

Exhibit A:
Your honor, they say that a picture is worth 1,000 words. But because this picture cannot speak—so stunned into silence is it by its own content—I'll translate.

Testimony of paparazzi photo in The People v. Jumpsuits, 2009
"OH SWEET FANCY JESUS, HONEY—NO. What are you—are you wearing empire waist harem jumpsuit-jamas? With a pre-chewed Cheerio motif? And mesh hooker heels? I think this is what a stroke feels like. Lately you've been looking like you could use a sandwich or forty—seriously, I think I could grate cheese on those ribs—but here you look like you might be smuggling two saddlebags full of ferrets under that thing. You know what I'm saying, girl. Not only are you wearing empire waist harem jumpsuit-jamas (sorry, I have to italicize them; otherwise they seem real and they CANNOT BE REAL PLEASE GOD) but they also make you look fat. Girl, can you see through that weave? Mirrors are your friend. Apparently that woman to your left is not. If she were, I wouldn't even be able to see you in this picture because you'd be on the floor after she tackled you. This is the scariest anti-drug propaganda I have ever seen."

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