Thursday, May 14, 2009

Fun With Multiple Choice

Oh, Anthropologie. Why can't I quit you? Every time I tell myself that I don't need another twee tank top that appears to have been hand-stitched by drunken pixies, I open my mailbox to find your latest catalogue. Each time I resolve to not to spend money on pretentious and overpriced clothes from stores with misspelled, vaguely European names and vow instead to embrace my American poverty with unsatisfying shopping sprees at Target and Mandee, I see a pair of sailor pants in your display window, and EVERY TIME I think, You know what? Sailor pants are cute. And then I try them on. And they are not cute. But the next season, when they inevitably reappear, I covet them again. WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME?

Luckily, whenever I find myself thinking, 'What to blog about today?,' you send me an email.

The title of today's email was: Is it a skirt, dress or godsend? Hmmm, let's see:

1. Is it a skirt?
Well. It appears to believe it is a skirt 1/5 of the time. However, it also resembles the horrid cropped wide-leg yoga pant that was popular during the summer of 2006. It somehow gives the model big hips, which is never a good sign. And any self-respecting skirt should know that it should not be worn without a corresponding top.

2. Is it a dress?
This seems like an easy yes,  but take a look at the image farthest to the left. What kind of dress would leave your boobs (snicker) hanging like that? And ladies: bikini top does not equal bra. And even if it did, your bra is showing, moron. That saggy monstrosity aside, the rest of the photos lead me to believe that this may in fact be a viable dress, albeit one that requires the kind of dexterity and skill posessed by people who know how to tie boating knots. I am slightly perplexed by the editor's decision to have the model wear her bikini underneath this alleged "dress," as it is my firm belief that most things look better without a bikini underneath them (well, that and every time I see someone wearing a bikini under their clothes I get acid-like flashbacks of thigh-chafing and crotch sand pockets), but I guess this thing is supposed to be a beach coverup. I'll keep my giant Bartman tee-shirt, thank you very much.

3. Is it ... hahaha no, I can't. Yes I can. Okay. Is it ... ready? Is it ... a godsend?
Oh man, if this is what God is sending to bail us out right now, we are so fucked.


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2 comments :

  1. Hahahahaha!!! Dude, I fucking love you. Seriously, I do. I wrote about you (albeit BRIEFLY) in one of my more recent posts.

    I have one question...how did you know I wore cropped wide-leg yoga pants that summer??? Were you SPYING on me?

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  2. I have the sam tortured relationship with Anthropologie. If I were rich, I would spend all my time buying bullshit like this wannabe dress/skirt thing. I toss away all the other junk mail immediately, but this catalogue I save for a 5 minute break of daydreaming followed by 10 minutes of convincing myself that I'm poor.

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