Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Prognosis: We need a Life-o-Plasty

Una has often used her blog to share her thoughts about popular culture, and she has also dedicated much of her life to absorbing as much of it as possible through every pore and orifice (oh, yes).

Ew, Jeff, my parents read this.

I am merely suggesting that you may have actually WORN OUT your eyes in the service of television. I thought it was high time we gave the treatment to your latest obsession: Nip/Tuck.

Was that a dig at my glasses? Anyway, yes, I have been watching a lot of Nip/Tuck lately, and let me just say that I don't even like it that much anymore but I've watched three seasons, I've stuck with it through a weird serial-killer-with-no-penis plot (P.S. Jeff, halfway through this sentence: That's a run-on sentence, editor. Me: Sometimes I write run-on sentences on purpose) and a baby with no fingers and I am NOT ABOUT to stop now.

Let me just admit that I was drawn in by the first season: it is a compelling conceit and it offered a lot of commentary about our society. Also, boobs.

Yes, but boobs coming OUT of bodies, not going in. There is a lot of graphic surgery on that show. Do not ever watch it if you are considering getting lipsocution, I am so serious. It looks like tapioca pudding! And they suck it out with, like, a vaccuum.

Una can't seem to stomach watching any of the surgery footage - which is all makeup anyway - and so has her eyes averted from the screen for at least ten minutes every show. (Just because I don't like blood doesn't mean I don't love drama. Gawd.) But the ick factor is not the problem with this show. It is the fact that it, like every other medical drama, seems compelled to write in a segment about once every three or four episodes where another major character has to go under the knife. To wit:

Sean: The handsome lead with the watery blue eyes has to have his cheeks stitched back together (Una: You should specify, "his face cheeks.") Also, he got his finger cut off.

Christian: (his partner) Also needed new face cheeks. Also tried to set his own broken nose (which was broken by a woman's crotch.)

Kimber: (Christian's ex-girlfriend slash corrupter of Christian's-I-mean-Sean's-child with Scientology, and also she's a porn star) Also needed new FACE cheeks. Also she had her boobs done and redone, and she got a new nose and then a new-new nose and her love lines (on her palms) extended.

Quentin: (Their third-season-slump partner who turned out to be a serial killer with no penis - see above - but who looked like a field mouse) Slashed his own face cheeks (or was it his sister who also needed to get her face cheeks fixed?) Quentin is brought into the show to fix Sean's face cheeks but then Quentin needs his own fixed. Also, he may have been sleeping with his sister.

Julia: (wife of Sean, lover of Christian, mother of Christian/Sean's love child, Matt, who Sean THOUGHT was his son for seventeen years but is actually Christian's, and a middle blond child who is boring and lame, and the aforementioned web-footed child -- or I said no fingers, but really they are more like lobster claws -- who has not yet been born) Julia walked through a plate glass window after getting doped up on pain killers to ease the pain of the boob job that Sean wouldn't do and so she needed Sean to fix her fucked up face. Then Sean took out her implants during the same surgery.

Matt: (Son of Julia and Sean/Christian—who is terribly cast, as he actually looks like the son that Peter Dinklage and Dopey would have had—who dated a lesbian, then fell for a post-op tranny, then beat up a pre-op tranny, and then became a skinhead) Matt was actually the first major character to undergo drama-filled surgery when he tried to circumsize himself. Then daddy Sean had to fix it. Then Matt got beat up by the pre-op tranny and his friends. After they finished peeing on him, Matt ran home and had daddy Sean fix his bwoken little button nose. THEN, he was forced to perform another wang surgery when his ex-girlfriend's skinhead dad made him cut off the same pre-op tranny's penis (but they were friends by then, so I guess that makes it worse.)

Ava (the POST-op tranny who Matt fell in love with, not knowing that she was A) a dude and B) having sex with her adopted son with Alec Baldwin!): Decided that after she is confronted by Matt's parents about her statutory relationship with their son and her incestual relationship with her own son, the thing to do was to ask Sean for a vaginal fixer-upper. Then her son kills himself but Matt is blamed for awhile and she runs away to Paris.

OMG Why aresn't we watching this right NOW? I have re-convinced myself that it is awesome! This show is fucking nuts.

Plastic surgery for everyone!


1 comment :

  1. Jesus. What is this show? Wang surgery? Vaginal fixer-upper? Awesome.


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