Sunday, February 22, 2009

OSCARS: The Live-blog

6:01 My mom's smoke alarm is going off, drowning out Seacrest. Whooooo, the games have begun!
6:02 Seacrest pretends that the Best Picture race is a nail-biter. Keep the dream alive, buddy.
6:04 Ben Lyons of E!: "The big question is, are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie going to finally have the confrontation with Jennifer Aniston?"
My mom: "I'll tell you, that Brad Pitt is not worth fighting over."
6:04 Miley Cyrus and Emile Hirsch are there. Things are looking up; I remember back when Steve Guttenberg was the first on the red carpet.
My mom: "Miley Cyrus ... she should go back where she came from." And she hasn't even started drinking! I predict: Mom, the star of the Oscar live-blog.
6:09 And seriously, y'all. She comes off like a spoiled biatch.
6:11 Jay Manuel! Aaaaah! Wearing a polka dot white tux! Time for wine.
6:12 Killing time by doing flashbacks of red carpets past. Showing gowns way nicer than what we'll likely see.
6:13 Miley's dress is kind of a Marion Cotillard knockoff from 2007.
--Commercial break--
6:19 Hugh Jackman: "I've had three drinks." If only he wasn't joking.
6:21 Jackman jokes about being naked in a bathhouse. Not helping the gay rumors.
6:23 Seacrest is interviewing someone who I have never seen before. Am I slipping? I even know who Demi Lovato is!
--Commercial break--
6:30 Taraji P. Henson looks gorgeous. Jennifer Grey always scares me with her new nose. Zac Efron needs to cut his hair. Yay, I'm old!
6:31 Vanessa Hudgens. BOR-ing. Once I was on a plane and she was in first class, and I was haunted by the idea that if the plane went down, the newspaper headlines would read "VANESSA HUDGENS KILLED IN FIERY CRASH."
--Commercail break--
6:36 Seacrest is killing time by getting Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates to dish on their American Idol favorites. Really?
6:38 So past winners are going to be announcing the nominees ... why is this exciting? Don't they always do that?
6:40 Rundown of all of the multi-million dollar (but tasteful, because it's a recession!) afterparties.
--Commercial break--
6:41 Ok, first glass of wine. L'chaim!
6:45 The Slumdog kids! Aaaaah, cuteness! Seacrest doesn't speak Hindi.
6:46 Giuliana Rancic says "those kids are delicious!" Obviously she hasn't eaten in days.
6:48 Slumdog cast starting victory lap already. Melissa Leo looks very nice; has gone with hair-matches-dress strategy that got Susan Sarandon the Oscar for Dead Man Walking.
6:50 My mom: "That Dev Patel is so cute." Agreed.
6:51 Oh my God. If Dev and Frieda Pinto are dating I will kvell. Or kvetch.
6:52 Seacrest gets John Legend into a Dev-and-Frieda sandwich. I want a bite!
6:53 Oh my Lord, Giuliana and Seacrest are embarassing Dev and Frieda to no end. Awkward!
6:55 Heidi Klum and Seal are so good-looking. They should have a cage match with Brangelina.
6:58 Viola Davis looks resplendent. I bet there will be an upset in the Supporting Actress race for her or Taraji.
7:03 Red seems to be a hot color this year, with Heidi Klum and Amy Adams rocking my fave hue. Holla!
--Commerical break--
7:13 Everybody is acting like there will be amazing surprises during the telecast. Them's fightin' words, y'all. You'd best not get our hopes up.
7:15 Amy Adams' necklace is made of gumdrops. Maybe.
7:16 Robert Pattinson, vampire heartthrob: Probs gay.
7:17 SJP has a boobalicious silver dress on. Evan Rachel Wood is rocking a cream-colored gown that shows off her neck tattoo. My mom: "What made her think that tattoo was a good idea?"
7:19 Natalie Portman looks Puerto Rican with a good tan and a Pepto-Bismol colored gown. My mom: "You have to be vaguely grotesque to be a movie star. And the women have to have really enormous mouths."
--Commercial break--
7:26 I don't like Anne Hathaway's dress. I can't put my finger on why. Robin Wright-Penn looks so sad. Buttercup, what happened? Go back to Westley! Sean Penn seems really intense.
7:27 Mickey Rourke says that Jean-Paul Gaultier did him "a real solid" by giving him a tux. Awesome. I really hope he wins...he says fuck a lot in his speeches.
7:31 Queen Latifah will be performing during my favorite part of the Oscars: The dead people montage. Who will win the clap-o-meter this year?
7:33 Jay Manuel schools me on Anne Hathaway's dress: "They're called pailettes, people." Whatevs, Jay, I still think it's ugly.
7:35 That's Peter Gabriel???? "In Your Eyes" has taken on a whole new meaning. I always pictured John Cusack singing it.
7:37 Jessica Biel's dress makes it look like she has a boob goiter. Not good.
--Commercial break--
7:42 Ok, I take it back -- white is the color this year. Penelope Cruz is pretty. Jeff: "Philip Seymour Dumpy." (He is just stopping by for dinner. He doesn't like the Oscars. And yet I married him anyway.) My mom: "Ooh, now we're talking. Daniel Craig."
7:44 Kate Winslet looks OK. Angelina Jolie is wearing black. Jesus, woman! Would it kill you to wear something interesting?
7:46 Beyonce: Oh honey NO. This will get panned.
--Commercial break--
7:51 Tilda Swinton, you so crazy. Wearing a droopy flesh-colored top. OK, I take it back -- Kate Winslet looks beautiful.
7:53 Ben Lyons back with the poll results for Best Picture. Gasp! Slumdog Millionaire. You think?
--Commercial break--
7:58 Seacrest gets about ten seconds with Brad Pitt. Oh well, better than when he chased them unsuccessfully at the Golden Globes.
7:59 Ok, switching over to ABC and Tim Gunn!
8:01 Who is Robin Roberts? I think Tim Gunn and my mom should be BFF. Mom on Winslet:"Her hair is sprayed into a helmet."
8:03 Amy Adams' dress is actually not that cool. SJP has a belt AND a tulle skirt. Yikes! I love Taraji P. Henson. I hope she wins.
8:05 My mom tells me that Frank Langella and Whoopi Goldberg were a couple. Mind officially blown.
--Commercial break--
8:09 Valentino is Oompa-Loompa-colored.
8:10 Tim Gunn and Mickey Rourke should have a sitcom. Consider that idea copyrighted, fools!
8:16 Ok, actually Anne Hathaway looks pretty. Tonight is a night of rescinding bitchy comments.
8:17 Don't worry, and also making them!
--Commercial break--
--Also, dinner break--
8:30 Yay!!! They're starting.
8:31 Ooooh, sparkly. Good start! Hugh looks dapper.
8:32 Musical number. Hmmmmm .....
8:34 "Ladies and gentlemen, the Craigslist dancers!" Awesome.
8:35 The Frost/Nixon with Anne Hathaway was actually good, but I'll never forgive her for hitting on my college boyfriend (True story.)
8:38 "I'm Wolveriiiiiiiiiiiine!" A+
8:42 Best Supporting Actress montage.... first awards a' comin'!
8:43 Woah, five people... how is this going to work?
8:44 I'm thinking this will be Viola or Taraji, but I'd be happy with Penelope.
8:47 And the Oscar goes to ... Penelope!!!! And she has to kiss 5 people.
8:50 Great speech. Sorry, was busy drinking. Mom is dabbing tears from her eyes.
--Commercial break --
8:54 Tina Fey and Steve Martin...yay! She looks awesome.
8:57 Best original screenplay ...Dustin Lance Black for Milk.
8:58 Wow. Great speech. Touching and real. 2 for 2.
8:59 Best adapted screenplay ... Slumdog? 1st of the night ...? Yes! Slumdog! Good speech. 3 for fucking 3.
9:03 Jennifer Aniston presents! Reaction shots from Brad and Angelina? Yup... there's Angie. It's like high school.
9:05 This animated montage seems made for stoners.
9:07 Wall-E wins. Yay! (I didn't see the others).
9:10 First ESL winner. Fun! I didn't mean that bitchily.
--Commercial break--
9:14 My mom and I agree, so far, so good.
9:16 SJP and Daniel Craig sex up Art Direction. And the Oscar goes to ... Benjamin Button.
9:20 Costume design ... The Duchess. Yawn. They should just give out the acting and directing and Best Picture awards. It would be one Power Hour. You know I'm right. Wine makes me sleeeepy.
9:22 My mom: "The Brits always do best, even when they're giving boring speeches." Word.
9:23 Best Makeup: Benjamin Button. This is an Oscar for making Brad Pitt look old. The dude is reading off a list, super boring.
9:25 Robert Pattinson and Amanda Seyfried present a retrospective on... romance? She is visibly aroused. The montage pits Wall-E and Eva against human movie couples. Robots win.
--Commercial break--
9:31 Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller, dressed up like Joaquin Phoenix. Awesome! "You look like you work at a Hasidic meth lab."
9:34 Winner ... Slumdog Millionaire!
--Commercial break--
9:39 They made Jessica Biel boring. And I still hate her dress.
--Commercial break ... that was fast--
9:44 Judd Apatow short = comedy gold.
9:47 James Franco is so very hot.
--Commercial break--
9:52 I love you, Hugh. Sing it.
9:53 Why do people think that vagina-dusting fringe is demure? (Ahem, Beyonce...)
9:54 ...But I won't hate on your musical revue because I am digging it.
9:56 But Zac and Vanessa can get off the stage.
9:57 My mom: "Is this a send-up?"
--Commerical break--
10:01 Best supporting actor montage. When Heath wins, somebody better make a touching speech.
10:03 Joel Grey is sooooooo cute.
10:03 Why is Philip Seymour Hoffman wearing a hat? Take it off, dude.
10:05 What ever happened to Cuba Gooding Jr.?
10:06 OMG Michael Shannon and Christopher Walken are like doppelgangers. Right down to the haircut.
10:07 And the Oscar goes to ... Heath Ledger. His family is accepting. Good.
10:11 Crying. Am a sap.
10:13 I want Werner Herzog to narrate my E! True Hollywood Story.
10:14 Best Documentary Oscar goes to ... Man on Wire. Philippe Petit is there!!! And he balanced an Oscar on his chin! And did magic! Can he host next year?
--Commercial break--
10:23 Don't they always talk about how to make the Oscars shorter? How about no four-minute action montages?
10:30 I know sound is important, but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
10:32 But the Slumdog sound engineers are pretty great.
10:35 Film editing ... Slumdog! Dev Patel is raising the roof!! I heart him. He can be my third husband after John Krasinski.
10:37 "When we return, a tribute to Jerry Lewis." Just what you want to hear.
--Commercial break--
10:41 Damn, Eddie Murphy! Where'd they find him?
10:42 Jerry Lewis is a humanitarian? Oh. muscular dystrophy. Must ... not ... make ... joke.
10:46 But his speech was short. My mom: "He's not in good shape ... they never give it to anyone who's going to live more than six months." Ha! But also, sad.
--Commercial break--
10:51 Best score ...Alicia Keyes looks hot! And the winner is ... Slumdog Millionaire. Yaaaay.
10:58 I love you, John Legend. You can be my fourth husband.
11:00 Best original song: Jai ho for the win!
11:01 YES. R.A. Rachman chose between hate and love, just like Radio Raheem from Do the Right Thing.
--Commercial break--
11:04 Damn, I've been watching TV for five hours. Not like that's a record for me or anything.
11:06 Foreign language film ... Depatures from Japan. The night's first big upset! I thought it would be Waltz With Bashir.
--Commercial break--
11:11 The deceased montage! I think Paul Newman wins the clap-o-meter ... but they are doing it in a way that makes it hard to see the names.
--Commercial break--
11:18 Reese Witherspoon gives the directing Oscar. I say Danny Boyle, final answer.
11:20 And the winner is ... Danny! Who jumps like Tigger. Amazing. And seriously, the guy who choreographed the dance at the end of Slumdog is a genius.
--Commercial break--
11:25 Best actress montage! We're in the home stretch.
11:29 If Melissa Leo upsets Kate I'll hit her.
11:31 Nicole Kidman's dress is unraveling!
11:32 Kate! Women supporting other women makes me smile.
11:33 I've done my Oscar speech in the bathroom too. But more often I do one-sided Vanity Fair interviews.
11:35 Wow, she told Meryl Streep to suck it. Well, suck it up. But still.
11:36 Best actor montage ... My mom calls Robert DeNiro "Daddy Bob," which I will explain at a later date.
11:39 Jeff Spicoli totally just got a shout-out at the Oscars.
11:40 It's the dad from Six Feet Under!
11:42 Do Sir Ben Kingsley and Mickey Rourke know each other? Because he should so be in the sitcom with Tim Gunn.
11:43 Upset! Sean Penn! Wowza. "I know how hard I make it to appreciate me." "You commie, homo-loving sons of guns." He's redeemed himself. Now go home, Sean, and appreciate that you are married to Princess Buttercup (who you didn't thank). Respect!
11:47 Best picture. Jai ho! I hope they dance.
11:52 And....? Yay!!! Slumdog takes it all! And they play Jai ho!
11:55 Dance. DANCE! I'm tired!
11:56 Till next time, Oscars. You sucked way less this year. Keep it up.
11:57 LaMarche, out.


  1. Anonymous9:52 PM

    Fear not! Peter Gabriel was much cuter when the song was released :)

    Have fun! Kathy

  2. Everyone is saying Kate Winslet's hair is "futuristic" in style. Has no one seen Grace Kelly's hair? Ever? "To Catch a Thief" anyone??
    Wish her dress was dark blue w/ the black overlay rather than slate gray.

  3. I think Reese Witherspoon and Queen Latifah went to the same designer for their dresses.

  4. A mere ten years before "In Your Eyes," Peter Gabriel had shoulder-length hair with a reverse mohawk shaved down the center of his head.

    Also, last night was the first time i didn't watch the Oscars in at least 10 years, but reading this made me not care at all. (except for the part about the montage for stoners)

  5. I did notice that Sean Penn didn't thank his wife, and it made me feel weird -- Didn't they separate and then reconcile recently? You gotta be gracious to your partner after shit like that.


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