Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Secret time! I have never learned to blow-dry my own hair. Well, actually, it's more like my hair has never learned how to be blow-dried. I have multiple-personality locks that run the gamut from limp and stringy to frizzy and unmanageable, depending on how much crap I do or do not put on them. Apparently there is a formula out there for exactly how much product I can put in my hair so that it curls and bounces without taking on the consistency of linguine alfredo, but I haven't found it yet (I bet it involves calculus). Anyway, one of the many fun facts about my hair is that if I blow air on it (even a little) the follicles expand to four times their natural size and I end up looking not unlike Gilda Radner as Roseanne Rosannadanna on Saturday Night Live. This is the part where my helpful friends write in the comments how I am doing it wrong. I promise you, I have tried EVERYTHING. I read the beauty magazines, I have the weird diffusers, the anti-frizz serums, the broad brushes that are supposed to make your mane sleek and Pantene Pro-V perfect. I am telling you, my hair is ALLERGIC. (Somehow, of course, it looks nice when other people blow it out, so maybe it just doesn't like me.)
This affliction does not make much of a difference in my life nine months of the year, but from December through February when it is fucking cold, I am faced with a predicament: go out with wet hair (which Mom told me not to do! And my hair takes approximately sixteen hours to dry naturally, causing everyone at work to ask me if it is raining ALL OF THE TIME) or forgo a shower (which means I look like I slept in a dumpster, as my hair is also incapable of making it through the night without jutting out of my head at odd angles and truly remarkable heights ... perhaps it's trying to escape?) I can also tuck all of my wet hair up into a knit cap, but it makes me look like a very effete teenage boy, which invites a whole other level of self-consciousness. So I go out with my wet hair and it freezes into hair icicles that tinkle and shine like glass dreadlocks. I mean REALLY. What's a girl to do?