Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Hair Diatribe (Does Not Involve Unibrow)


Secret time! I have never learned to blow-dry my own hair. Well, actually, it's more like my hair has never learned how to be blow-dried. I have multiple-personality locks that run the gamut from limp and stringy to frizzy and unmanageable, depending on how much crap I do or do not put on them. Apparently there is a formula out there for exactly how much product I can put in my hair so that it curls and bounces without taking on the consistency of linguine alfredo, but I haven't found it yet (I bet it involves calculus). Anyway, one of the many fun facts about my hair is that if I blow air on it (even a little) the follicles expand to four times their natural size and I end up looking not unlike Gilda Radner as Roseanne Rosannadanna on Saturday Night Live. This is the part where my helpful friends write in the comments how I am doing it wrong. I promise you, I have tried EVERYTHING. I read the beauty magazines, I have the weird diffusers, the anti-frizz serums, the broad brushes that are supposed to make your mane sleek and Pantene Pro-V perfect. I am telling you, my hair is ALLERGIC. (Somehow, of course, it looks nice when other people blow it out, so maybe it just doesn't like me.)

This affliction does not make much of a difference in my life nine months of the year, but from December through February when it is fucking cold, I am faced with a predicament: go out with wet hair (which Mom told me not to do! And my hair takes approximately sixteen hours to dry naturally, causing everyone at work to ask me if it is raining ALL OF THE TIME) or forgo a shower (which means I look like I slept in a dumpster, as my hair is also incapable of making it through the night without jutting out of my head at odd angles and truly remarkable heights ... perhaps it's trying to escape?) I can also tuck all of my wet hair up into a knit cap, but it makes me look like a very effete teenage boy, which invites a whole other level of self-consciousness. So I go out with my wet hair and it freezes into hair icicles that tinkle and shine like glass dreadlocks. I mean REALLY. What's a girl to do?
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6 comments :

  1. I'm sure everyone else has demanded a go at this, but can I try too? Really, I'll come over and play with your hair! (FYI: I don't blow dry, I make curls.)

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  2. I hear you. Same exact problem. I go for the hair-cicles myself.

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  3. It must run in the family.... i have the same issue!

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  4. here's what you do: instead of washing it every morning, you can use a spray bottle and wet it juuuust enough to tame the weird pieces. if you do it first thing after you wake up, it'll be (mostly) dry by the time you leave. voila! (unless you leave five minutes after you wake up--then you're screwed either way.)

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  5. p.s. hopefully one year later you have figured out a solution to this problem. if not... spray bottle!

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  6. I have super thick wavy-to-curly auburn hair. It takes like 8-12 hours to dry. I also have not ever figured out to use styling tools--ANY of them.
    What I do instead is wash my hair before I go to bed. That way it has all night to dry. It gets me way better results than any other method I've tried. I wake up with mostly dry hair that has way less frizz than if I do anything else. If it is a little frizzy (like it tend to be now, because it's very short) I take a pea-sized amount of Garnier Surf paste, spread it evenly over my palms, and work it into my hair from about mid-ear down. I repeat as necessary (like I said, really thick hair). I also only wash my hair every three days or so. At first your hair may seem greasy, but your scalp will adjust.
    Anytime your hair feels greasy, sprinkle a SMALL amount of baby powder on your part and around your hairline. Kind of shake it down to your scalp with your fingertips. This does work for brunettes, as long as you don't use too much powder.
    Works for me! (And I get compliments all the time on my hair.)

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