Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Dangers of Online Shopping

DISCLAIMER: For those of you worried about me due to my frequent mentions of being drunk on this site, please note that events tend to be funnier when they involve alcohol, and therefore I edit out many, many, MANY days and nights of non-intoxication. If you don't believe that I tend to be funnier when drunk, I will sit you down and read you my teenage diary and you will BEG me to do shots with you just to numb the pain.

Aaaaanyway, I've done 99% of my shopping this year online, which suits me just fine, since crowds of idiots tend to harsh my mellow, and Christmas in New York is full of idiot crowds who congregate in Macy's and clog 5th Avenue from 34th Street all the way to the park. One evening, while nursing a glass of wine, I decided to excavate from my wallet the gift cards of Christmases past that I had not used. Therein, I found a bounty of Christmas cheer: $17 at Sephora (spread over 3 cards), $12 on an American Express gift card, and $39 at Pottery Barn. I popped open my (now deceased) laptop and decided to buy myself something through my favorite commerce hub: the Internet.

While I did nurse the wine, the glass was pretty full (one of those great big balloon glasses that hold like 3/4 of a bottle), and I found myself tipsily scouring PotteryBarn.com for something—anything—to buy. I wanted something that would use up the entire $39 in one go, something I would never buy unless I had "free" money to spend. I wanted decadence, frivolitiy, and uselessness. I had no time for sets of colored glassware or bud vases; I wanted something .... amazing. Which is how I found myself ordering a monogrammed whisky decanter at midnight. How very Chuck Bass of me.

Right after I ordered it, I was instantly ashamed, and decided that I would lie and tell Jeff that it was an ill-advised gift from a coworker (oops, cat's out of the bag, honey. Also Anna didn't buy me that Color Me Badd CD I have in my collection). But ultimately, I suppose, the greatest Christmas gift of all is that I am married to a man who finds me endearing in all of my pudding-for-breakfast-eating, crappy-TV-watching, irresponsible-monogrammed-whisy-decanter-buying glory. So thanks, baby. And in return, I will buy you some nice whisky to drink out of my complete waste of money.


  1. I recently found a Crate & Barrel gift card (paper really) from _2002_ in my room at the rents. I'm not even sure I can B.S. that into working via the internet, but I'm going to try...

  2. Your post is very helpful for a safe and happy online shopping experience. Thanks.

  3. Aw, and here I was enjoying the fact that this well-versed and amusing individual was as much of a wino as I! Can I just ignore the disclaimer and continue to imagine that you indulge in a glass or two on an almost nightly basis?

  4. Oh Zero, I am a lush. It's just that sometimes my mom's friends read the blog and decide I am an alcoholic so once in awhile I tone it down :)


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