Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is so stressful, blog post-wise. I don't want to write something sappy and boring but I also don't want to ignore one of the greatest food-based holidays of the year (not necessarily the greatest, as Passover, gefilte and all, has dayanued its way into my heart). Jeff and I are driving up to Spencer, Mass tonight, with my mother, two pies, and lots of wine in tow, for a Zorabedian Family Thanksgiving. To Jeff's mind, this is like a Manson Family Thanksgiving, only less fun. But I love family holidays, perhaps for the very reason that a room full of old emotional scars plus alcohol always makes for good writing material.

Seriously, though, I am very thankful this year, and not just for Jeff, President-elect Obama, and all of the serious reasons. For instance I am thankful for Steve Guttenberg for climbing out of my 1980s memories and into the present day media, and for jogging pantsless for no reason. I am also thankful for Paris Hilton's My New BFF, for giving me my new favorite line of all time to yell while intoxicated: "They call me bikini Corrie because I've earned it!" I am thankful for the ShamWow infomercial guy, who really makes me want to sop up an entire carton of orange juice with a handtowel, and for the fact that someone has hooked up a live feed to a litter of Shiba Inu puppies. I am thankful for Will Shortz, who keeps me humble, and the IRS, who keep me honest. I am thankful for body wash with moisturizers, because putting on body lotion is a pain in the ass, and not at all the sensual process it looks like in TV ads. I am thankful for the man who painted my building's front door the color of dark chocolate, because now every time I come home I think of candy. And I am thankful for the unfathomable number of people in New York city with gimpy legs, without whom I would have no place to channel my irrational rage.

Have a wonderful holiday!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Thanksgiving Moment of Zen: Sarah Palin (Remember Her?) Edition

Oh man, this should be an SNL skit, but it's real. Now that she's not threatening to take over Congress and change the presidential crest to a six-pack of Pabst, I kind of like her.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Getting Over Getting Older: Christmas List Edition

There are a few things that make a person feel old. Knowing people who buy real estate ... babysitting someone who's never seen the original 90210 (and has never seen Dirty Dancing, which there is no excuse for, I don't care if you're thirteen)... not recognizing the celebrities in UsWeekly ... realizing that your favorite Gossip Girl actors were born in the '90s... but I digress. The biggest red flag comes but once a year, at Christmas.

I used to ask for elaborate toys that required a lot of assembly and which I promptly ignored after I used them once. Those were the days. I ended nearly all of my lists to "Santa" with the word "Suprises" followed by approximately twenty exclamation points. I was fucking excited.

I still get excited about Christmas, but now I'm excited about, like, eating and drinking excessively. This year I finally broke down and actually asked for socks. My mom always gets me socks in my stocking, but this year I really need socks, and I don't want to spend my pitiful disposable income on them.

I specifically remember being a kid and watching my parents be excited about things like socks or a book and making a mental note: That will never be me. Jokes on you, kid! And P.S. Your parents spent a lot of money on that dollhouse, so fucking play with it.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Christmas (Una) Comes Early!

This morning as I was pathetically trudging to Duane Reade to stock up on Ricola drops, I noticed some small white flecks in the air. My first thought was trash, since in New York it tends to fly around. Then I thought: Ash? Where's the fire? Finally I looked heavenward and wondered, could it be ... snow?

I had resigned myself to never seeing snow again, at least not south of Massachusetts—global warming seems set to turn New York into the new South. And yet, miracle of miracles, there was snow for five minutes on Flatbush Avenue this morning. Which means it's time for ....

Christmas Una

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Jeff Speaks: Video Blog Take 2


Saturday Sloth

Jeff laughed when he saw that I had "Sloth" written down on my to-do list for the day. But with all the working out (uh ... 20 minutes), writing, grocery-shopping, baking, cleaning, and dishes, I was worried that I wouldn't have time for ass-sitting and catching up on Paris Hilton's My New BFF (season pass, baby!).

A girl has got to keep her priorities in order.

Friday, November 14, 2008

HollyGoHomely Has a Monopoly on Pathetic Pasttimes

So here is what I'm obsessed with lately: playing Monopoly on my iPod nano. I was not going to blog about this (because it is LAME), until last night when Jeff staged an unwitting intervention. He came to bed and nuzzled me, but I was too focused on the fact that Iron REFUSED to land on my slumlord hotels on Mediterranean and Baltic ... and I got a little cranky. Okay, a lot cranky. OK, I had a shit fit.

"He won't land on my HOUUUUUSSSEEEEEEEESSSSSS!" I wailed, as Jeff openly laughed at me. I didn't tell Jeff that the real reason I was pissed was that I cheated and still wasn't winning. You can cheat pretty easily by making the computer player stupid, so that if they have only $46 and you land on Boardwalk, they will let you buy it for $47 instead of mortgaging their properties. Oh my God, I just realized how incredibly sad this post is. I need help. But just one more roll, guys. Just one more, and I promise I'll stop.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Totally Dismembered Barbie!

Christmas is coming, dear readers, and if you've been looking for a gift for that special someone you've been creepily stalking, and/or a preteen girl with bloodlust, have I got the jewelry for you.


Monday, November 10, 2008

I Don't Even Know What to Call This Post. That's How Bad It Is.

So, I realize I haven't posted in almost a week, but I think you'll understand when I say I'm experiencing some post-electoral depression. Not about Obama, obviously—he continues to light up my life, and the Huffington Post's slideshow of him kissing his kids, as well as this live feed of adorable puppies, are my go-to feel-good sites.

I just don't really know what to do with myself now that the election is over. Now I have to focus on my actual life. But don't worry—I'm sure I'll be back to normal soon.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


A Change Is Gonna Come - Sam Cooke

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Almost ...

Oh my GAWWWWWWWDDDDD this day is so long. I want to write something profound, but I can't think anything except that this could be the greatest night of my life to date, with the exception of my wedding. Don't fuck it up, Florida, Virginia, and Ohio!

And now, your moment of Zen:


McCain Accidentally Votes Blue

D'oh! What a dumbass.

In related news, Barack Obama takes about a freaking year to vote, presumably because of the dreaded Bradley Effect.

1st Black President also World's Largest President

LOL, my Dad is such a lovable dorkus malorkus. He lined up his collection of Marx Presidential figurines with his new Obama doll.

What? I have to do something to pass the time, people.

More Serious Post on the Seriousness of the Historic Election That Will Undoubtedly Make Me Cry at Some Point Today

Jeff and I got up at 6am to vote, honestly believing that we would be some of the only people in our neighborhood to do so (I think our naivete was caused by the fact that we routinely wake up at 8, so 6, to us, is like the witching hour). Imagine our surprise, then, when we were faced with a half-block-long line at 6:07am. In all my years of New York voting, I have never seen a line like that, especially at that hour. And by 6:30, there was a line just as long stretching out behind us.

The great thing was watching people approach the line. Instead of cursing or complaining, almost across the board people smiled, even as their mouths dropped open in surprise. There seemed to be an understanding that the long line stood for something, well, more than just standing in a line. While New York is far from a swing state, and one could argue that one's individual vote matters less than in, say, Florida or Indiana, people of all ages stood in a ninety-minute long line with a look of astonishment and pride. I overheard one mother say to her young son, who was getting restless, "You are going to tell your grandchildren that you stood in this line. If there had been no line, there wouldn't be a story."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Hitting McCain with the Sock of Justice

I am going to write a more serious post, I promise, but for now... These photos were taken on October 15 during the third and final presidential debate, but Beth only just sent them to me, which actually is kind of perfect. Below, a pretty clear pictorial guide to who I support in this election:

(For emphasis, here is a close up of my Muppet-like face of anger as I hit John McCain's blurry visage with a sock).

IT'S FINALLY HERE, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! This is like the most intense Christmas ever.

Monday, November 3, 2008


Here it is, liberals, the dreaded October November Surprise!

Obama is actually Latino!!! And McCain is actually one of the California Raisins!!!

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