Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Project Runway: LL Cool J, Eveningwear, Fail to Sink Kenley; or, Kenley is a Giant Tulle

We've already established that I have failed miserably at my attempt to recap Project Runway this season, and I've already given you all of my excuses (apathy, laziness, booze) so let's just call a truce and keep marching on towards Bethlehem ... er, Lifetime.

So what has even happened on this show? A few weeks ago they dressed each other up like fools and had a parade in front of LL Cool J. What fun! Let's review:

The designers had to dress each other using music genres as "inspiration" (but hey, I guess it beats Zodiac signs and Saturn seat belts).

Leanne dressed Korto up as a country western singer. And she was damn cute!

Suede made Jerrell into Lenny Kravitz without the hair (oh, if only they had access to the Dread Jacket), and daaaaaaaaaamn those pants were tight. We even got a nice close up camera shot during judging, and daaaaaaaaaamn. What? A girl can look.

Korto took schlubby, punky, Manic Panic-abusing third-person wonder Suede and turned him into a schlubby, punky, Manic Panic-abusing, scary Goth teenager who I swear went to my high school.

Jerrell tried to turn Kenley into Britney Spears. Which just goes to show that you can put silver pasties on a whiny bitch, but she still doesn't get booted from the show. I would have loved to see her get auf'ed wearing that get-up. Sigh.

Finally, and wonderfully, Kenley got to show us what she believes hip hop is all about, sartorially speaking. And the answer is, for Kenley, gangsta = Nelly Furtado. And maybe a little Snork action. But that might be all Leanne.

Ohhhhh, those pants are horrible. And I'm only focusing on the pants because the outfit gives me tunnel vision. The best part was when Heidi goes to LL Cool J, "Does this say hip hop to you?" And he's all, "Um, no." And Kenley rolls her eyes and you can tell she is thinking (in her nasal Kenley voice), "It totally is hip-hop, LL. I went to an Alicia Keys concert once and she was wearing basically this exact thing." And then Kenley totally blames the outfit's ridiculousness on Leanne (who, granted, looks absurd, but who also did not ask to be dressed as the token African-American Pussycat Doll).

Anyway, Kenley's inherent whiteness gets her in the bottom two with Suede, who is punished for making Jerrell (and his penis) look pretty normal. Suede finally goes home, and Kenley survives for another week, giving me more time to hone my impression ... and plan my Halloween costume (mwahahaha).

Yawn. Okay, on to last week's epsiode, which I watched thanks to JetBlue's wonderful in-flight DirectTV (I also watched like four episodes of Tim Gunn's Guide to Style and three of the Rachel Zoe Project. I am so Bravo's bitch.)

Anyway, it's the last episode before Fashion Week, which always means evening dress. The designers are unleashed at the NY Botanical Garden, where they met with a L'oréal Paris makeup consultant for no reason and take out-of-focus pictures with product-placements cameras.

Leanne becomes enamored with a lavender plant; Korto likes something that looks kind of like a Bomb Pop and is orange; Jerrell likes purple and pink (duhvs); and Kenley likes some scaly shit that looks like poison ivy (of course).

Off to Mood, where the designers pick their fabric, and Kenley has, like, a 'gasm when she finds some scaly-looking magenta disaster. When, at the end of the show, she whines, "I wasn't going for elegant, Heidi," you can look back to this moment and know that bitch don't lie.

Back at Parson's, Kenley realizes that she forgot her tulle, which provided me with new fodder for my Kenley impression ("WHERE'S MY TUUUULLLLE?") All of the other designers basically openly hate her now and spend most of the episode laughing at her. Heh. Sadly for us, Kenley is allowed to go back and get her tulle, and during her pilgrimage to Mood we learn that she has had a hard life because her father was a tugboat captain. Is that a euphemism for male prostitute? Because if not, that sounds like an awesome childhood. Toot toot!

The half-done dresses pretty much look assy across the board: Jerrell's is kind of unfinished and messy; Korto's looks like a pageant dress and incorporates some truly heinous beige lace; Leanne's has the cheap, satin-y lavender look of a mid-90s Jessica McClintock prom dress; and Kenley's has a mermaid tail made out of puffy scales.

Runway! Only three will show at Bryant Park. Wait, what about one being OUT? You can totally tell that they are about to change the rules.


I don't hate this dress, but it looks too short on both ends. It feels like her boobs should be up higher, no? And the colors are just this side of tacky. The only saving grace for Jerrell is that his is the least ugly of all of the dresses. Yes, you heard me right. Scroll down at our own risk.


I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What I initially identified as a Bomb Pop is obviously a Creamsicle. And Korto, remember, as Miss Tyra says, shiny fabric is not your friend. Preach.


This bodice is 1996 Jessica McClintock. I know because I wore it to my junior prom! So stop fronting, Leanne! The jersey skirt and ruching detail I feel kind of meh about. And in the back, Leanne for no apparent reason stuck a bolt of blue fabric. You can't see it, but it's not pretty.


What did I tell you??? The girl was not going for elegant. She's going for Tight N' Dowdy, which I just decided shall be the name of my discount chain store.

At elimination, Kenley gets all defensive and bitchy with the judges, especially after the other three designers wax poetic about how much she sucks (to their credit, they were asked). Jerrell wins the challenge, but Heidi basically tells him he was just the prettiest ugly girl, and Leanne is safe. But no one gets to leave the runway, and without even trying to fake us out, Heidi announces that everyone is going home to create a collection, and no one will get kicked off until they get back to New York. Sigh. This to me seems to indicate that Kenley is going to make it to the final three, at least to keep people watching, Because how interesting is it to watch three people who love each other compete? Of course, it could also mean that Kenley is forced to work really hard on a collection only to have her dreams dashed right before Fashion Week which would be AWESOME.

Tug on that, bitch.

(Oooh, I am testy today! Imagine what my drunken liveblogging of the debate will be like!)

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