Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Debate Smackdown: Live! Or at least as fast as my slow-ass computer can go!

Oh man, I am so mad already! Let the games begin!

9:02 pm Tom Brokaw seems to have a time delay. Eerie silence.
9:02 pm When did Tom Brokaw get so fucking old?
9:03 pm McCain already looks like he's going to punch someone. This should be good! Also: fake hug!
9:03 pm McCain sits like a girl.
9:04 pm They get to stand up. It's like theater.
9:06 pm Obama "middle class" tally: 2 Now it's 3.
9:06 pm "Senator Obama, it's good to be with you at a town hall meeting." BURN! He's totes like, "If only you had agreed to my 25 town hall meetings, this debate would not be such a shit storm!"
9:07 pm He's like about to sit on Allen Schaffer's lap. Awkward? Or brilliant?
9:08 pm McCain "my friends" tally: 2.
9:09 pm Brokaw says "Hank Paulson." BFF?
9:09 pm McCain has no problem looking white people in the eye. Even calls Brokaw "Tom." Also loves women. Hear that, Hillary supporters?
9:10 pm McCain name-drops eBay. What up, Internets?
9:11 pm Obama "middle class" tally: 4. Oh, now it's 5.
9:11 pm Obama has skinny legs.
9:12 pm McCain suspended his campaign! In case no one noticed ...
9:13 pm Love Obama's fake smile while McCain talks.
9:14 pm McCain remembers first questioner's name! Short term memory: check.
9:14 pm "I've got to correct a little bit of Sentator McCain's history, not suprisingly." Oooooh, BURN. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! I need another screwdriver.
9:16 pm Obama: "You're not interested in politicians pointing fingers." Pre-emptive strike. Take that, Walnuts.
9:17 pm McCain still writes letters! Awwwww. Importers and exporters. Art Vandelay enterprises?
9:19 pm Budgets, schmudgets. I paid $30 today for an iTunes season pass to "The Girls Next Door."
9:21 pm Obama also preempts tax issue. Nice work. Next he'll mention Bill Ayers.
9:22 pm McCain "my friends" tally: 3.
9:24 pm McCain has no idea what Tom Brokaw said because he doesn't know what America's priorities are.
9:25 pm Joe Lieberman DOES NOT COUNT as across the aisle anymore.
9:25 pm McCain "my friends" tally: 5.
9:26 pm Nice JFK ref, Obama.
9:28 pm Why doesn't Tom Brokaw just cut them off? Stop complaining about them going over. Speak up motherfucker.
9:29 pm McCain takes question from 78 year old person on Internet. Fake! Old people don't use the Internets.
9:30 pm McCain wants to freeze spending, except for veterans. Duhvsies.
9:34 pm I want a smackdown! This is way too cordial.
9:34 pm There is a woman in the audience who loooooves Obama, you can tell.
9:35 pm "High on the hog" ... another veiled Sarah Palin reference?
9:35 pm McCain "my friends" tally: 6. What a dick.
9:36 pm YES, Obama wants to raise taxes ... on rich fucks like you. (Got my second screwdriver. Can you tell?)
9:37 pm McCain got news that economy is bad ... approximately 20 days late.
9:38 pm "Straight talk express lost a wheel." Or the driver is drunk. Whatever.
9:40 pm Obama "middle class" tally: 6.
9:41 pm McCain "my friends" tally: 7. Nice Ronnie Reagan reference. "My friends" up to 8. By the way, McCain "middle class" tally: 0. Oh, "my friends" up to 9. 9!
9:42 pm McCain can't pronounce his BFF Liberman's name. Also loves nuclear power.
9:46 pm Obama keeps mentioning computers, probs to make Walnuts feel old.
9:47 pm (Jeff) Obama says McCrusty voted against alternative energy 40 bazillion times!
9:48 pm (Una back from bathroom) Tom Brokaw needs to man up and just tell them to shut up. Stop complaining about timing.
9:49 pm McCain "my friends" tally: 10! Calls Obama "that one." Oooh, "my friends" tally up to 11! He's unstoppable!
9:50 pm Jeff says McCain is cribbing his energy plan off of Paris Hilton. "My friends" up to 12!
9:51 pm McCain touching his own boob in background while Barry talks. Heart attack?
9:52 pm Health insurance, yawwwwn. I already pay more than I make. And I haven't even broken a bone.
9:53 pm McCain spends a minute repeating question. Also, we already have walk-in clinics, dumbass.
9:55 pm Hair transplant joke falls flat. Ha!
9:59 pm "Did we hear the size of the fine?" FUCK YOU.
10:00 pm McCain "my friends" tally: 13
10:01 pm "My friends": 14.
10:02 pm "There are some things I don't understand. I don't understand how we ended up invading a country that had nothing to do with 9/11." DAMN. Gloves be off, bitch!
10:03 pm Jeff mixing me third drink.
10:04 pm Obama doctrine: no ethnic cleansing. Good answer!
10:06 pm McCain doctrine: "my friends" tally": 15. 16. Surge surge surge. "Cool hand at the tiller." Jeff says this means "rudder". Who is driving a boat? Jeff says it's "the ship of state." Okaaaaaaay. But who's running the country? Cap'n Crunch? Nice also how he dodged the ethnic cleansing issue.
10:09 pm Katie totally did not write that Pakistan question.
10:11 pm McCain has a big stick? I don't get the Teddy Roosevelt reference. So Obama talks loudly AND carries a big stick?
10:14 pm Can't get enough of "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran." Can the Beach Boys release a single?
10:15 pm McCain looks at Obama! "My friends" tally: 17.
10:18 pm Boooooring. Victory, defeat, whatever. This war has been going on for over 5 years.
10:20 pm McCain: Saw KGB in Putin's eyes. Woah.
10:21 pm Why so much fuss over Georgia? Is that even a swing state? (Kidding!)
10:25 pm Vom. Obama couldn't serve because he was in kindergarten when Vietnam started. Shut up, old bag. "My friends" tally: 18.
10:30 pm Aw, Michelle loves Barry so much.
10:32 pm I love me some Barack but he's dodging some questions.
10:32 pm McCain doesn't know the future. Um, ok.
10:34 pm AGAIN with the tiller! WTF is the Tiller?
10:35 pm Tom Brokaw can't see for shit.

THE END.
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5 comments :

  1. man, i tortured myself through live-blogging the emmys, but doing this, "my friends" (hee! i'm presidential!) Una is a true masochist. I love it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous11:04 PM

    thank you- this was just what i needed, my friends!!!

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  3. Holy Crap. That was the best punditry EVER!!!! Amazing.

    If I learned nothing else from this, I now know I am spending the next debate drinking.

    ReplyDelete
  4. now that was some funny shit!!

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  5. 9:55 and 9:59: I thought the exact same thing.

    ReplyDelete

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