Monday, September 22, 2008

Medical Mysteries Volume 4: Fluorescent Blindness Edition

I don't know what it is exactly, but some combination of computer screen glare and overhead fluorescent lights is taking my coveted 20/10 eyesight* away. All day my eyes ache, and I can't read stuff that's over 10 feet away unless it's, like, the Key Food sign. My entire childhood, all I ever wanted was glasses, to the point where I actually bought glasses (with just plain glass, off the street for like $5) and wore them once in awhile to work. People would say, "I didn't know you wore glasses!" and I'd be all, "Yeah, I left my contacts at my boyfriend's." Anyway, now it looks like I am going to get my very own bona fide pair. Unfortunately I'll never be able to wear contacts because I have an acute phobia of things touching my eyeballs. Which I never thought about. I guess at least I can be thankful that I didn't have them during my acute awkward phase in middle school. The only thing worse than having one giant eyebrow is having four eyes beneath it.

I told my mom a few weeks ago that I was experiencing eye strain from the harsh lights in my office and she actually suggested that I wear a hat. I mean, it was a sincere piece of advice, and I'm sure it would help, but there is no hat in the world that would look like casual officewear for me. My friend Beth has a special talent which is that she never looks ridiculous in any hat. Seriously, grab any plumed, netted, 12 inch high thing off the rack at Bloomie's and it will look OK on Beth. I am like the opposite of that; I can't even wear baseball caps, let alone something like a beret or a fedora. Even winter hats look stupid on me, which is a great feat. I think it's something about the way my head is shaped. But I'm getting off-topic. The point is: hats in the workplace are not an option for me. "Then wear a visor," mom suggested. Yes, Mom. Stealth.

My question to you is: How can I save my eyes without looking like a moron? Should I just tease out some really big bangs to act as a canopy?

*I swore up and down to my friends in elementary school that I had 20/10 vision—better than 20/20—and they laughed their asses off. Well suck it, ladies.

P.P.S. Enlarge the photo and check out Meredith's face in the image on the right. She's smiling, but in a tight, hostage-y, "Help me, please" kind of a way. I can't blame her; that shirt is fucking frightening. Sadly it was not a costume; I got that God-awful thing at H&M, thinking I could pull off the 70s look. The hat might have been a joke, but I can't promise. Ah, college.


  1. I wear glasses. And don't feel that I look like a moron. (I've worn glasses for 20 years, except for jr. high, when I insisted I needed contacts, which was terrible because contact technology 15 years ago for people with astigmatisms SUCKED.)

    Just take someone trusted with you to pick out your frames.

  2. we still don't buy it. we're still calling bullshit.
    you admit that you can tell a little white lie about made-up contacts at a made-up boyfriend's house so what would stop you from telling a lie on the playground?
    - all your elementary school friends

  3. Oh, I never meant to insinuate that glasses-wearers look bad. I just never considered the fact that wearing glasses is an all day activity and that I won't be able to take them off whenever I want (like I can with my fake glasses that I still own and sometimes wear when I do the NY Times crossword, just because).

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  5. Mike has 20/10 vision, and even after they removed the scar tissue and bad cornea bits from my eyes to fix my vision, my "20/10" results as tested by my opthamologist are still sub-par to Mike's vision. I swear that tabasco-in-the-eyes incident of his youth must have done something oddly beneficial for him. (Note - I do not recommend others trying the tabasco method of vision repair.) But then, Mike is kind of an indestructible freak that way...


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