Friday, August 8, 2008

Project Runway Does the (Special) Olympics



This post should totally be on Popserious, not here, but my computer is 5 years old, which in computer years is about 96, so every time I try to do anything I get the spinny multicolored ball of death, which is basically my geriatric computer saying "Eh? Speak up, I don't have my hearing aid in." And for some reason the Blogger software doesn't bother my computer, while WordPress software makes it have a stroke. So anyway. That's why. Now onto the show!

This week, the Proj Run designers were faced with the challenge of designing outfits for the American athletes to wear to the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games. This seemed to me to be a boring challenge at first, but I guess that's because I thought that the designers were actually going to, you know, follow the challenge. Luckily, pretty much no one listened, and so we ended up with a runway full of hot tranny messes in red, white, and blue. Which is actually a pretty good metaphor for the country right now. Minus the tranny part. But I digress.

Apollo Ohno, who is supposedly an Olympian, but who I know only from Dancing With the Stars, was the guest judge. I didn't even have to try to come up with a picture of him doing the bitchiest fashion queen pose I could possibly imagine -- it was like number 3 in my Google image search.

The episode itself was kind of blah. No great drama. Kenley seems to be in love with small, gay Daniel and everyone else thinks Kenley is a nasty bitch with an annoying laugh (ha!). Korto immigrated from Liberia, where she was probably going to get raped or killed (sad!). Keith used to be a competitive gymnast (what?). But the best thing about this challenge were the craptastic garments. Behold:

THE GOOD

Joe is so straight that he actually thought a skort was a fashion-forward item of clothing. And also he acted like the biggest queen in the group this episode, which is saying something. But still, he managed to make the only outfit that I could imagine an actual Olympian wearing, and so Joe gets the gold medal in heterosexuality.


Korto won the challenge, which was totally deserved. Her outfit was modern, simple, and well made. As someone with thighs, I'm not feeling the wide leg white pants, but just because they would make me look like the Stay Puft marshmallow man on the 4th of July doesn't mean they can't bring joy to others.


I am kind of feeling Terri's 70s pantsuit vibe. I even like the poufy red thing with this outfit, especially since it hides the fact that the tube top is waaaaay too tight. I can't, like, salivate over this, but I'm certainly not hating on it. If there was a gold medal for my tacit approval, this would win it (I should totally start giving those out.)



THE BAD

Blayne's tan is fading, much as his sliver of likability is fading. As Jerell reminds us, though, "luckily, he's got that platinum blonde hair that's keeping him alive." (Jerell is totally my secret favorite even though his clothes look like ass warmed over.) Anyway, Blayne's outfit makes me thing, for some reason, of Brigitte Nielsen and of the movie Cool Runnings. So Blayne gets the silver in Danish bobsledding.


I was going to put this in the "Ugly" section (see below), but on second viewing, Kelli's garment isn't ugly per se, it's just ... puzzling. I feel like this represents what a bushman deep in the African jungle whose sole example of Western culture is an old VHS copy of Oklahoma! thinks of when he thinks of America. That, or she was just like, 'Fuck the Olympics!' and made some girl from Williamsburg walk the runway.


Leanne's outfit was actually kind of cute in motion, but I have to deduct points for the patriotic neck brace.


Suede needs a swift hard kick in the ass. That is all. Suede wins the pewter medal in cut-off-that-damned-blue-mohawk-or-I-will-do-it-for-you.




THE UGLY

We have established that Keith is kind of nuts, and this episode we learn he was a competitive gymnast as a child! Keith is like a mille feuille of crazy, each layer unfolding to reveal something new and disturbing. Anyway, it seems as though Keith sees Olympians as half power lesbians, half sassy chorus girls from the 40s. A more pressing concern is how anyone is supposed to hurdle in this get-up without breaking an ankle.


Kenley, I think you are a heinous bitch ... AND I don't like your skirt. Harumph!


Stella continues to amaze me with the fact that she makes everything out of leather. This could have been badass, but the fit is weird and it makes this model's thighs look kind of fat, which means that the Olympian women (who Tim tactfully describes as "muscle-y") would look like goth sausages. Also I hate the shoes with this outfit. Disqualified!


Oh, Jerell. I love you, and yet ... and yet. Jerell was wearing some sort of boy scout cap on the runway, and was cute as all get out. But he created this outfit, which reminds me of the scene in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts goes to the racetrack and Jason Alexander reveals that he knows she's a prostitute. Except it's 2008 and she's wearing a pair from Lindsay Lohan's ill-advised line of leggings. And instead of a prostitute, she's a rodeo queen. But Jason Alexander stays the same.



THE KIND OF PRETTY, BUT TOTALLY OFF TOPIC

Daniel gets the bronze medal in the American Airlines stewardess safety demonstration showdown! (Seriously, what was he thinking?)


And poor Jennifer. My favorite quote of the show was what Jennifer said when she got aufed: "I really think I could have brought a new perspective, with my surrealism."


Yeah, that's a regular Dali right there. Is she mental?

P.S. I am actually writing this while watching the actual Olympic opening ceremonies, in a delicious coincidence, and the Ralph Lauren outfits that Team USA is wearing make them look like a bunch of caddies. They are wearing white golf caps like my grandpa used to wear. But seriously, they look like caddies.
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