Wednesday, August 27, 2008

5 Non-Alcoholic Ways to Energize the DNC

1. BRING ON THE PRIME SPEAKERS AT PRIME TIME. Have you ever been to a concert where there's some opening act that kind of sucks, and even though you know that this is like the BIGGEST MOMENT EVER for the person onstage, you just keep checking your watch and chugging beer and wondering when the fuck the main act is going to show? The DNC speeches start at 6pm, but the headliner doesn't talk until almost 11 o'clock. What moron scheduled this? Shouldn't the main event come on at 8 or 9, to allow a wider selection of viewers (meaning not just insomniac die-hard Dems) to watch? I know America's Got Talent is on, but I don't think the people who watch that are even going to vote, unless it's for David Archuleta.

2. LIMIT THE PUNDIT CHATTER TO IN BETWEEN SPEECHES. On CNN, they literally did not broadcast any speeches other than the milquetoasty keynote guy and Hillary. Instead, you saw Nancy Pelosi's mouth moving while Wolf Blitzer and all of the pundits did an intellectual circle jerk (apologies for the unavoidable mental image). Viewers are forced to listen to these assholes every night, but the DNC only happens once every 4 years. Let all of the speeches air.

3. HAVE BILL CLINTON'S THOUGHTS APPEAR AS ONSCREEN SUBTITLES. Jeff did a really great inner monologue for Bill while Hillary was speaking. It is even funnier if you drink an entire bottle of wine waiting for the speech to finally start.

4. DITTO MICHELLE OBAMA. The number of tight-lipped "Bitch, please!" looks during Hillary's speech were priceless.

5. MORE SASHA OBAMA. That kid is fucking cute. She should introduce everyone. In fact, she should emcee the entire convention. Yet another reason to get the headliners to speak earlier, before her bedtime.

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