I want to preface this by saying that I love a man with style, and that my husband has taken lately to wearing pink. A pastel pink tie paired with a white shirt and his dark scruff is kind of manly-sexy and very summer-appropriate. However, looking at what Style.com calls "Spring 2009's hottest trends, plucked straight from the still-warm runways of Milan and Paris," I worry that style-conscious men may be tempted to go too far, adding a whole cup of gay when only a dab'll do ya. Observe:
This is Givenchy. Presumably French for "Who needs a fly? I pee sitting down."
And now, the pink. Louis Vuitton is totally bringing back the jeans I wore in 1991 (but even I wouldn't have done pink-on-pink. I had a neon yellow tye dye shirt I paired them with, thank you very much.)
Heeeeeere's Gucci! Put your thumb over the head and it's Debbie Harry! Magic!
This is the sartorial incarnation of a crush I had in high school. I so wanted him to ask me to prom, but he didn't, he went with this blond girl he had a crush on, and I was kind of heartbroken. But then, in college, he came out. (P.S. Red shoes! Searing my eyeballs! Why, Salvatore Ferragamo?)
Dolce ("Sweet") and Gabbana ("Shiny?"). This dude looks like he's pissed off that no one appreciates the fierceness of irridescent culottes. ("They're from Barneys, asshats.")
This outfit makes me want Nerds. Mmmmm, two flavors, one box, soooo delicious.
Okay. This is weird. I had a Donnie Wahlberg doll (shut up, it was awesome), and in my blossoming adolescent lust I used to pretend that Donnie was my boyfriend and that we -- gasp! -- made out. And this is exactly what the live version of the doll would look like if he rolled out of bed after a drunken tryst with my friend Vanessa's M.C. Hammer doll and accidentally put on the wrong pants.
So, Blossom hat aside, it's not the outfit I take issue with here; it's the shoes. Specifically, it's the ties wrapped around the ankle. Look, I am a sensitive person, OK? I love the gays. But some things, some things belong to only one gender, and dainty strappy sandals are one of those things. I can deal with man-huaraches, OK? Even clogs. Or (shudder) Crocs. Get your thong on, guys, go crazy. Just ... don't wear these. They are really too faggy for words.
Oh ... hi. Something in my brain just cannot compute this fantastic equation. Is it Beetlejuice x Almodovar / Lukas Haas, or Tim Burton + Buster Keaton x M.C. Escher? Either way, those shoes are not made for bullfighting, senor. Prepare to lose a toe.
Happy 4th! I have downloaded the entire 4th season of Lost to my iPod and there is a bucket of frozen margarita mix waiting for me at home. I will celebrate my independence by consuming both.