Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Wii Think You Are Fat

So after all that fanfare about Wii Fit, I am frightened to use it. Here’s why:

If you do not use it every single day (and really, who has that kind of time, let alone willpower?), it chides you as soon as you start. “Oh, too busy to work out yesterday, huh?” it mocks in a high-pitched, childlike voice. I don’t know about you all, but standing in front of my TV wearing a sports bra is not the best time for me to be mocked. It sends me into the kitchen for some ice cream and/or vodka. The least it could do is mock you after you’re done. As it is if I miss a day (or two, or ten) I fear the mocking too much to get back on schedule.

Next, the main component of the Wii is a balance board/scale that monitors not only your weight (I’ll get to that in a second) but also your center of balance. Before each exercise, the Wii asks you to step onto the board so that it can read your balance. For some reason, half the time when I step on the voice says “Okay!” but the other half of the time it says “Oh!” Like, “Oh! Wow! We’ve got a bigg’un!” Suffice to say it is not great for the self-esteem.

Oh, and the scale part! Right. So the good news is that I have a normal BMI, and that my “ideal weight” is actually more than I weigh. So—room for pie! But that doesn’t stop the Wii from informing me – without solicitation – that I have gained 2 pounds since the last time I used it. As if that wasn’t insulting enough, it asks “Why do you think you gained weight?” and then goes on to give you tips on how to stop being such a fat ass. (Note: screaming at the TV that you just have a little extra water weight will not register with the Wii).

Of course, it’s not all bad. My virtual trainer looks like an animated Ken doll and has a cheery disposition. He says things like “Wow, you’ve got amazing ab strength!” or “You’ve got great balance!” Even when I suck he says “It gets harder to balance when you’re tired, doesn’t it?” And I’m like, “YES, Ken, it does. Thank you for understanding me.” Sometimes he flirts with me unintentionally: “Press the + sign to view me from the back,” he says as he demonstrates a squat. Aye aye, captain.

The exercises are actually pretty good and challenging for the most part, and if it wasn’t for the mocking childlike voice and the self-righteous scale, I would probably use it more. If the makers of Wii Fit are reading this, here are my suggestions:

-When someone steps on the balance board, it should say “Are you standing on me yet? I can’t feel a thing! You’re light as a feather!”

-When you finish exercising, Wii should say “You know what tastes great after a good workout? Nachos.”

-Have Ken wear short shorts.

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