Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I'm Ready For My Close-Up

Jeff bought a new camera on Sunday. He is retardedly thrilled. I call his cameras his "mistresses," because he spends all day every weekend with them, not me, and while Jeff doesn't own an ounce of porn, I often catch him in the wee hours browsing camera sites, his eyes wide and glassy.

Since I am usually around, and (see below) a shameless ham most of the time, I am Jeff's most-used model-slash-guinea pig. He did not waste any time in testing out his new toy, and, in reviewing the photos, I came face to face with three distinct facets of my personality:

THE VAMP (only comes out if you feed her martinis)

THE SHAMELESS HAM (always lurking just beneath the surface; loves wigs)

and, closest to my heart, THE INSECURE ADOLESCENT (tweezers will never tame her!)

I think it's safe to say that the world dodged a major bullet when I refused acting jobs as a child, intent instead on becoming a bus driver. All of New York is lucky that did not happen. Publishing, in the end, took one for the team.


  1. you know, una, i always forget about the eyebrows until you mention them, and then as soon as you do, i am filled with sadness and longing for that one enormous brow. your eyebrows were so cool so distinctive! these pencil lines are fine, lovely even, but they cannot compare to the natural loveliness of brow with which you likely sprang forth, gooey, from your mother's womb.

  2. "The Shameless Ham" instantly reminded me of Janeane Garofolo's brief cameo on an episode of Mr Show, which conveniently happens to be online:


  3. I just looked at these close-up. They're huge and stunning! Shameless Ham is by far my favorite. I already know you're gorgeous. I need more mullet! I need more cleave + mullet! Give the people what they want.


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