Monday, January 28, 2008

Curmudgeon of the Week: Jesse


This week I throw some testosterone into this blog with its first male Curmudgeon of the Week. Jesse went to Wesleyan and bears a striking resemblance to a young Billy Joel. He lives in Brooklyn, and spends his time writing a novel and playing music around town solo and with his band NYCSmoke (www.nycsmoke.com). He works on a construction site in the East Village, and spends his lunch breaks glaring bitterly into shop windows, hoping to scare away loud chewers and college students!

Why do you deserve this honor?
Because I am an angry young man, fast on my way to becoming a bitter old man

You are Dante. List, in order, your nine circles of Hell, from tamest to most eye-searingly terrible.
1. Loud chewers
2. Insipid NYU students gabbing in otherwise quiet East village coffee shop
3. People who talk about 80's New York nostalgically as if that were
the only era when anything significant happened... Especially when the
person in question was 8 when the decade ended.
4. "Hey Bra, check out the mad hot chicks in this club. Word"
5. Busywork busywork busywork
6. Talentless hacks up in my shit!
7. A doctors office filled with middle-aged rump-growers, preaching
the latest in ignorant "conventional wisdom"
8. People who use quotation marks because they think it emphasizes
their point. People who use jargon, and use it incorrectly.
9. High School

You've been arrested for murder. Who did you kill and why?
Someone who hurt my girlfriend, family, friends

If you could eradicate one thing from the Earth, what would it be?
Loud chewers (see above)

You are on a cliff with Carrot Top, George W. Bush, and Ann Coulter. You have to marry one of them. One you have a one night stand with and never have to see again. The other, you can throw off the cliff to a painful
death. What do you do?


This is difficult. I am incredibly annoyed by Carrot Top, but do not
wish him ill. I couldn't kill Dubya, as he would instantly become the
subject of fawning memorial services.
So...

b. Marry Dubya, kill Ann, get down with Carrot Top

Thanks for playing, Jesse! I suspect Carrot Top swings your way, if you ever have to make good on that answer.

If you would like to be curmudgeon of the week, email me!
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