I am so excited for tonight. SO EXCITED. Guess why. No, seriously, guess. If you guessed "something to do with television", you get a gold star. I would also have accepted "something to do with food/alcohol". I have cookies and champagne, but those are mere jewels in a much larger crown: it's the season premiere of America's Next Top Model!
If you are scoffing at my lowbrow tastes right now, then you deserve a Tyra snap to the face, because you don't. Even. KNOW. This show is the most campy, most hilarious, hottest mess you will ever see. It is educational (you will quickly learn to distinguish an expensive weave from a ghetto weave, and Tyra often offers off-the-cuff lessons on how to avoid looking dead and/or busted in photographs) and endlessly entertaining (the premise of the show is watching model wannabes act like straight fools, and to aid them in their humiliation, the CW has enlisted the help of two gay men named Jay, one of whom is the kind of neon orange only seen in Loompa Land and the other of whom often wears hairnets and stiletto heels).
Each season the girls have to endure being dressed as (once, literally) carnival freaks while attempting to be "fierce", which is THE buzzword in high fashion, according to Ms. Tyra Banks (who, as the executive producer and host, is all over this show like white on rice. Or, you might say, like gay on Jay). The models act like assholes and are summarily booted off, one at a time, until only one bitch remains. Have you ever read "The Lottery", by Shirley Jackson? It's like that, except instead of stoning one person to death they make a dozen girls fight to the death with Cover Girl products. Now tell me that's not awesome.
Now look at this and tell Tyra it's not awesome (she'll eat you like so many baby back ribs):
In related news, I will be unavailable for social outings on Wednesdays for the remainder of the fall.