Monday, July 30, 2007
On Friday night, my sister and I went to see ... oh, I cannot even bear to write this ... "I Know Who Killed Me", the thriller starring Lindsay "8-Ball" Lohan as a stripper. I was going to write "stigmatic stripper", as I'm sure those words have never before been linked, but that would qualify, in the loosest of terms, as a spoiler. So, if you want to see the movie forget that last line, kids. But, really, can something spoil if it's already rancid?
Now, my sister and I are shamelessly shallow when it comes to entertainment, and even we had low expectations, but I have to say that the first half of the movie did not suck. Unfortunately, mid-production it seems that the director of this fine film (Chris Sivertson) suffered a complete schizophrenic breakdown and allowed one of his personalities to finish the movie. Sadly for all of us, that personality was a drunk thirteen year-old who had watched one too many episodes of Nickelodeon's "Are You Afraid of the Dark".
So, Lindsay Lohan plays a really bland, good girl type named Aubrey. Also, at the very start of the film she gyrates on a stripper pole. If you had seen any of the trailers for the movie, you already know that Aubrey and Stripper girl are identical twins, separated at birth. So basically, the movie is spoiled already.
Then Aubrey gets abducted by a psycho who cuts off her right hand and leg. She ends up in the hospital, wakes up, and claims she's not Aubrey. This would be confusing had the secret not been given away by the producers already (aside from the trailer, the movie's tagline is "If you think you know the secret, think twice." Also on IMDB one of the key words is "identical twins". Nice work, guys.) Anyway, Stripper girl is different from Aubrey because she curses and has sex and has no social security number, because he mother was a crackhead. We are treated to flashbacks in which Lindsay Lohan pole dances, and really, the fact that she is a stripper is totally not relevant to anything. Except ticket sales, I guess. Good luck with that.
Anyway, how can Stripper girl explain why she is missing a hand and a leg if she was not abducted by a psycho? Here's how: one day in the shower, her finger turns blue and falls off. Yikes! She does not go to the hospital because "hospitals are for rich people." Uh-huh. Also they are for people who's fingers fall off. A few days later, she wakes up in the night and her leg is halfway sawed off. Like a trooper, she puts on her thigh-high boots and hitchhikes (presumably to the hardware store for some duct tape), but alas, she falls in a ditch on the side of the road, which is where she is later found and mistaken for Aubrey.
So how to explain the random body parts falling off of a wayward stripper, who also happens to look exactly like a serial killer's latest victim? Stripper girl, like any of us would in such a confusing situation, turns to Google for answers. She types in -- I am not making this up -- "bleeding wounds unexplained" and lo and behold, she gets listings for "stigmatic twins", a (presumably rare) malady in which identical twins display each other's wounds. When I googled "bleeding wounds unexplained" I got a Web MD listing for hemophilia, but whatever. Obviously my Google is not as dramatic as hers.
OK, so we know that Aubrey is being tortured somewhere, which is causing Stripper girls limbs to fall off, but that doesn't explain why the twins were separated at birth, does it? No, it doesn't, which is why a climactic line of expository dialogue is needed. Our wise director films a scene in which Stripper girl screams at her (non) father: "Why didn't you tell your wife that her baby died in the incubator, so you bought one from the crackhead down the hall?" Um, what? Could have used a hospital scene in there, buddy. You know, have Stripper girl go to the hospital and be all, "I think I have a stigmatic twin, can you please check the birth records?" And then the nurse would be all, "Aubrey Fleming died after birth." And we'd be like OH SHIT! It's not rocket science, people.
I can't even go into the stupidness that follows, but suffice to say that it involves an ominous owl, Lindsay Lohan talking to herself in the mirror, a glass coffin, and a basement filled with prosthetic legs swinging from the ceiling like mobiles (By the way, the killer turns out to be someone with no apparent reason to obsess over prosthetic limbs. At least give him a back story involving a tractor accident! I mean, come on.) Then, at the very end, when Stripper rescues Aubrey and they are reunited, with all of four limbs between them, the director chooses to end the film with the two girls lying in the dirt, in a fetal embrace. At this point, I turned to Zoe and said, "If you ever find me buried in a glass coffin with an arm and a leg missing, please take me to the hospital. There will be time for hugs later."
Now you know everything, so you don't have to pay $11.00 to see this puerile piece of gratuitous Lohan crap. I will consider this my good deed for the week.
P.S. That hilarious picture at the top of this post is from the brilliant site LOLHAN. Go there. You won't be sorry.