Monday, July 30, 2007

Stigmata? I don't even know her!


On Friday night, my sister and I went to see ... oh, I cannot even bear to write this ... "I Know Who Killed Me", the thriller starring Lindsay "8-Ball" Lohan as a stripper. I was going to write "stigmatic stripper", as I'm sure those words have never before been linked, but that would qualify, in the loosest of terms, as a spoiler. So, if you want to see the movie forget that last line, kids. But, really, can something spoil if it's already rancid?

Now, my sister and I are shamelessly shallow when it comes to entertainment, and even we had low expectations, but I have to say that the first half of the movie did not suck. Unfortunately, mid-production it seems that the director of this fine film (Chris Sivertson) suffered a complete schizophrenic breakdown and allowed one of his personalities to finish the movie. Sadly for all of us, that personality was a drunk thirteen year-old who had watched one too many episodes of Nickelodeon's "Are You Afraid of the Dark".

So, Lindsay Lohan plays a really bland, good girl type named Aubrey. Also, at the very start of the film she gyrates on a stripper pole. If you had seen any of the trailers for the movie, you already know that Aubrey and Stripper girl are identical twins, separated at birth. So basically, the movie is spoiled already.

Then Aubrey gets abducted by a psycho who cuts off her right hand and leg. She ends up in the hospital, wakes up, and claims she's not Aubrey. This would be confusing had the secret not been given away by the producers already (aside from the trailer, the movie's tagline is "If you think you know the secret, think twice." Also on IMDB one of the key words is "identical twins". Nice work, guys.) Anyway, Stripper girl is different from Aubrey because she curses and has sex and has no social security number, because he mother was a crackhead. We are treated to flashbacks in which Lindsay Lohan pole dances, and really, the fact that she is a stripper is totally not relevant to anything. Except ticket sales, I guess. Good luck with that.

Anyway, how can Stripper girl explain why she is missing a hand and a leg if she was not abducted by a psycho? Here's how: one day in the shower, her finger turns blue and falls off. Yikes! She does not go to the hospital because "hospitals are for rich people." Uh-huh. Also they are for people who's fingers fall off. A few days later, she wakes up in the night and her leg is halfway sawed off. Like a trooper, she puts on her thigh-high boots and hitchhikes (presumably to the hardware store for some duct tape), but alas, she falls in a ditch on the side of the road, which is where she is later found and mistaken for Aubrey.

So how to explain the random body parts falling off of a wayward stripper, who also happens to look exactly like a serial killer's latest victim? Stripper girl, like any of us would in such a confusing situation, turns to Google for answers. She types in -- I am not making this up -- "bleeding wounds unexplained" and lo and behold, she gets listings for "stigmatic twins", a (presumably rare) malady in which identical twins display each other's wounds. When I googled "bleeding wounds unexplained" I got a Web MD listing for hemophilia, but whatever. Obviously my Google is not as dramatic as hers.

OK, so we know that Aubrey is being tortured somewhere, which is causing Stripper girls limbs to fall off, but that doesn't explain why the twins were separated at birth, does it? No, it doesn't, which is why a climactic line of expository dialogue is needed. Our wise director films a scene in which Stripper girl screams at her (non) father: "Why didn't you tell your wife that her baby died in the incubator, so you bought one from the crackhead down the hall?" Um, what? Could have used a hospital scene in there, buddy. You know, have Stripper girl go to the hospital and be all, "I think I have a stigmatic twin, can you please check the birth records?" And then the nurse would be all, "Aubrey Fleming died after birth." And we'd be like OH SHIT! It's not rocket science, people.

I can't even go into the stupidness that follows, but suffice to say that it involves an ominous owl, Lindsay Lohan talking to herself in the mirror, a glass coffin, and a basement filled with prosthetic legs swinging from the ceiling like mobiles (By the way, the killer turns out to be someone with no apparent reason to obsess over prosthetic limbs. At least give him a back story involving a tractor accident! I mean, come on.) Then, at the very end, when Stripper rescues Aubrey and they are reunited, with all of four limbs between them, the director chooses to end the film with the two girls lying in the dirt, in a fetal embrace. At this point, I turned to Zoe and said, "If you ever find me buried in a glass coffin with an arm and a leg missing, please take me to the hospital. There will be time for hugs later."

Now you know everything, so you don't have to pay $11.00 to see this puerile piece of gratuitous Lohan crap. I will consider this my good deed for the week.

Love,
Una

P.S. That hilarious picture at the top of this post is from the brilliant site LOLHAN. Go there. You won't be sorry.
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34 comments :

  1. Anonymous11:25 PM

    LOL. I love the review. Everything you said was spot on, but IIRC, didn't Dakota use Ask.com when she searched 'bleeding wounds unexplained'? I remember thinking "Who the eff uses Ask?"

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    Replies
    1. that's what i'm about to say. ask.com. if there's anything i learned from the movie, it's that ask.com exists. anyway, this is a very entertaining review. i don't usually read reviews but i finished this one. sadly, lolhan no longer exists.

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  2. Anonymous3:14 AM

    Hehe. Nice review :3 I actually got this site while typing in "Stigmatic Twins". But before that, I typed in "bleeding wounds unexplained" and the first link I got was Stigmata. But, if you look, you're like the 5th link on there. Hehehe :D

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  3. Anonymous commenters, you are right! She did use Ask.com, proving once and for all that the writer of this film resides in 1994.

    And, yes, if you Google "bleeding wounds unexplained" the first link is stigmata. Damn. But if you click on my blog enough, maybe I will be the first link, which would actually be really helpful, because if you have an unexplained bleeding wound you should GO TO THE HOSPITAL. YOU SHOULD NOT BE ON THE INTERNET!

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  4. scooterj1:34 PM

    Hah.... I was trying to remember what the serach terms were myself and your site came up as one of the first hits. :) Here's my take on the film: Lindsay Lohan Mocks Amputees.

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  5. ANi N iZZY1:42 AM

    UNA. LMAO. KUDOS TO YOU.
    YOU SHOULD BE A COMEDiAN OR
    SOMETHiNG.
    BUT ANYWAY, WE ACTUALLY WENT TO GO SEE THE MOViE A COUPLE OF HOURS AGO, AND i THOUGHT iT WAS AN OKAY MOViE. BEFORE WE WENT TO GO SEE THE MOViE THOUGH, SOME RANDOM GUY TOLD US BEFORE WE BOUGHT THE TiCKETS THAT iT WAS A STUPiD MOViE, AND MADE NO SENSE. WELL, iT WASN'T TO0 STUPiD, AND i THiNK HE GOT LOST DURiNG THE FiRST FiVE MiNUTES OF THE FiLM.
    ANYWHO. YES iT WAS ASK.COM LOL.
    YOU'RE REViEW WAS GREAT THOUGH KUDOS AGAiN. =]

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  6. Anonymous3:57 AM

    i arrived at this after googling "stigmatic twins" because i was confused, and apparently having an aneurysm. i couldn't recognize the definition of stigmatic as meaning pertaining to a stigma. i, for some reason, was associating it with a disease. kinda like asthmatic. LOL. but i am glad i did cause this popped up. brilliant recap! you are a very witty writer. i can't decide what made me laugh more. the dramatic google quip or the hospital now, hugs later request...

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  7. Anonymous6:46 PM

    I actually really enjoyed the movie. Anyone can find fault in any movie. Sure, there were some details that were left out, but the audience could figure things out (if they were half-way intelligent). Sorry you were so dis-satisfied.

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  8. I totally agree with everything you said about this film. I actually made a post about this movie today then my brother directed me here. I'm so sorry you paid to see this movie. I snuck into this film and I'm sorry I did it. Stigmatic twins?? I would love to see what happens to the other when one gets pregnant. This movie should have went straight to dvd.

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  9. OMG, how did I miss this post for a whole week? Way more entertaining than the movie would've been. You caused an internet ruckus!

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  10. Anonymous2:01 AM

    You are witty, intelligent and articulate. Bless you.

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  11. Anonymous5:42 AM

    LoL funny review:D! You're a witty person but it wasn't that bad!
    I've actually watched the movie yesterday with my friends and noticed everything you listed in your review.
    But i didn't quite focus on them instead i tried to focus on the general ideas instead of torturing myself with details,reason and logic and i enjoyed the movie a lot;)

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  12. Anonymous10:02 AM

    i just watched the movie with my friend... i liked your review. I was also wondering about the ending and the connection to jennifer toland... weird movie... Maybe there's a part two. lol.

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  13. An extremely old topic, I realise, but just thought I'll let you know that I came across this post while Googling for "bleeding wounds unexplained" - the review is very funny!! I agree it was a crap movie, but this fact was really intriguing.

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  14. I DIDNT THINK IT WAS CRAP I REALLY ENJOYED WATCHING THIS MOVIE....MAYBE YOU GUYS JUST DIDNT REALLY GET IT...
    I DID IT MADE LOTZ OF SENSE TO ME IF YOU ONLY REALLY PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON!!!

    P.S. LINSAY LOHAN MAY BE A CRACK HEAD BUT, SHE IS A REALLY GOOD ACTRESS!.!.!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous3:51 AM

      i agree wit AVY . it was a psychological thriller and u hav to put ur brain into it to really understand the concept. i liked the film. but una is gud. i enjoyed her artical.
      one mor thing, i dont knw about sharing of physical pain between twins. but i happen to have 2 peculiar twin friends.they have some kind of emotional communication or telepathy.one can tell when the other is at danger or distress even if they are miles apart.they say that they simply feel a kind of fear or urgency.guess it happens between close siblings.

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  15. This movie was really confusing but the guy who was torturing crack-dealed-at-birth "Aubrey" actually did pertain to the plot, but for such a bad reason. I actually watched this movie with my friend earlier today, and when the guy with the blue gloves finally showed up my friend said "OH MY GOD! I KNEW IT! ITS THE PIANO TEACHER!" so apparently the torturer was Aubrey's former piano teacher, and he got mad at Aubrey because she quit piano.

    but i dont understand his obsession with blue stuff. blue knives that looked plastic, blue gloves, and BLUE ROSES. and why did her sort of boyfriend give her a blue rose? i dont get how that ties to the piano teacher..
    OH maybe because they said something about "blue is for winners" and when the sortof boyfriend gave her the rose he said where he found it.. oh ok im good now..

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous3:57 AM

      in case u havnt noticed, aubrey is attatched to blue color and dakota to red. the frame is filled wit blue articles when it shows aubrey and red when dakota. even their dresses are likewise.

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  16. Anonymous11:43 AM

    SPOILERS, but then again this entire page is. lol. yupp blue is for winners. and extremely creepy, psychotic piano teachers that chop off limbs if u get second place.

    yeah dakota figured it out after she saw the trophy in aubrey and jennifer's room and the CRUCIAL medal that she read and immediately knew it was the piano teacher. pardon but if i was in a graveyard that late, it would take a little while to process.

    juss to say, the owl was important cuz as shown, the piano teacher had a pretty big estate and she couldnt go digging around in random places in his yard looking for her twin. the creek and the owl were a benchmark that helped her find aubrey.

    and earlier i saw a comment about stigmatic twins that was supposed to be funny but it just really came across as dimwitted. "I would love to see what happens to the other when one gets pregnant." umm its not same thing. not everything physical happens to the other. the idea of stigmata came about during Jesus' crucifixiction and its mentioned in the last chapter of Galatians. its only unexplained extreme physical PAIN of wounds: its supposed to be because of a religious or deep emotional connection so it something so dramatic would only occur for extreme pain, esp ones with emotional distress. not pain in general. so like childbirth and other stuff woldnt count. i think if ur a writer, the shock of having ur arm cut off would be a tad bit more than giving birth to a kid. and the context's way out there.

    yes the movie had a lot of gaps in logic and went overboard with some or most of its drama but it was a good watch if u let go of all that.

    the review was pretty accurate but a little harsh. everyone should probably learn to play nice and use their skill for good not evil. not all bashing is evil tho is it?

    i personally liked the movie. but maybe cuz i understood most of it and wasnt thinking that much wen i watched it.

    lohan acted well i think. too much of the f word. not every other word has to be fuck if ur a stripper. i still dont get how aubrey wrote about dakota if she didnt know about her existence. ie, why the heck was her password dakota? that i STILL dont get.

    newayz peace in the middle east.

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  17. Hey! I watched the movie last week and though I thought the movie was okay (for a Lindsey Lohan flick) some things still bothered me...for one the reason I landed up on this link, the reason all the above have landed on this link "unexplained bleeding wounds"!!! And yeah that password Dakota thingy...But whatever the deal, you're a cool and witty writer...dont stop.

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  18. Anonymous2:24 AM

    I love what you wrote una. Like everyone else is saying, you definately are one hell of a witty writer.
    Just thought i'd Post the fact that you're 3RD down now when you search 'bleeding wounds unexplained.'

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  19. Anonymous11:39 PM

    The reason her piano teacher abducted her was because she quit her lessons. Don't you remember when she messed up the song & he said "watch my hand"? It was his RIGHT hand. He cut off her RIGHT hand & RIGHT leg. You use your right foot for the pedals at the bottom of the piano. It makes sense if you pay attention to the little details.

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  20. So I'm watching this movie on t.v. right now and I decided to google something about unexplained bleeding wounds and your blog popped up. Hilarious by the way. And now after reading your post I'm thinking I might just not even finish watching it.

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  21. frankly, lohan isnt a bad actress. sure shes a crackhead but just because shes a crackhead we cant call her a bad actress. the film was interesting. true, the ending wasnt so nice but the film was good overall. the part that sucked is that the murderer or the kidnapper turned out to be that piano teacher. it wouldve made more sense if it was Aubrey's bf. i mean who runs around kidnapping and killing people just because of a stupid piano competition. that was sad. and he did say something about some ritual. what ritual? why the ritual? and Dakota was suffocating in the car. but she seemed fine when she was in that house. the ending was stupid. but the movie was interesting and okay overall. u should give it a shot. u wont regret it.

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  22. Anonymous12:20 AM

    First off, Dakota used Ask not Google
    Second off, I am sure there would be no record in the hospital of the original Aubrey dying if they bought another baby from the crackhead mother, or else this all would've been discovered sooner
    But on the ending, that is agreeable, if you were in that position, you wouldn't want to be hugged, you'd want a damn doctor
    Overall the movie was really good. Regardless of whether Lindsey Lohan is a crackhead or not, you cannot judge a movie on its actors/actresses
    Maybe next time, you should watch the movie a little more in depth before you criticize

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  23. Carri041:16 AM

    Ah I watched that movie on Tv for some stupid reason (because the title of the film appeared to be interesting)but after that I decided to go on google and searched up unexplained bleeding wounds" and came upon a few unexplained mysteries sites and your blog and I thank some of the commenters for telling me who abducted her because I didn't understand it at all!!

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  24. Anonymous8:36 PM

    Well i agree with the 2nd to last comment before me (which is now 3rd but watvr) it was a good movie, cool and freaky, and disguisting, but yeah it was missing alot of things and the red and blue colors were some kind of hint or something, i really hated the ending, because no one believed Dakota had a twin sister...it would have been a hell of a scene if she would have shoved it in the FBI's face and then wtf,
    When the "dad" and Dakota went looking for the twin alone, it was fucking stupid when she or he (i forgot) said there was no time, um...there is something called cell phones! and fuck man i wish they could of atleast showed the piano teacher's bio or something to know how obsessed he was for what ever the saddist was doing.
    I mean the movie wasn't that bad...After all.

    P.S. And i don't mean to be mean or anything, but some ppl in here are f-ing stupid. "I don't get it.." if they'd payed any attention to the movie they would atleast have gotten it. I mean my grandma even go it. And she doesn't understand english and the movie was in english...!!

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  25. Anonymous2:39 PM

    This movie has nothing to do with its title. First of all neither twin is killed...and even if the one was, the one who is investigating it is not dead so it would be "I know who killed my twin"
    The story wouldn't have been good even with an A-list actress playing the lead.
    And why is Lindsay Lohan once again playing twins who got separated at birth?

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  26. Anonymous11:52 PM

    Lol the Anonymous comments in here are a little too much. Just what I'd expect from a discussion about this film, and yet at the same time, it could be worse.


    First off, people aren't stupid if they don't get the film. There's not much to get in terms of a bad film, which is essentially what this is. And abeit a very boring film that seemed to drag on at that. I don't think people care enough about a movie to understand what was going on if the movie fails to hold their interest. People move on, and that's it.

    Secondly, much of what goes on in this film does seem muddy. There seems to be an ongoing debate that Dakota never existed since Aubrey was writing a story about her. It's also debated that Dakota was an alter ego she created to escape reality and that the ending was a dream scenario. But since the film makers never really clarified it and screws up whatever else it tried to establish, it doesn't really matter. Let bygones be bygones and move on with our lives, and admit this is just a really crappy movie.

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  27. So I'm watching this movie o t.v right now and I decided to google something about unexplained bleeding wounds and your blog popped up.Hilarious b the way.And now after reading your post I'm thinking I might not even finish watching it.

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  28. This is without a doubt the best movie review I have ever read! I've caught bits and pieces of this movie on TV and could never figure out what the heck-fire was going on. Thanks!!

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  29. Um. Lots of anonymous and bizarre comments on here....

    That said, this was the best review evarr.

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  30. Yeah... This movie sucked. My sister TiVoed it this summer and I told her it was going to be bad, even though I had never see it, and I really couldn't understand where it was going, and I didn't understand why she kept seeing blue everywhere and, the piano teacher? Really? I would have thought it was the guy with the weird tattoo on his man-boob... The movie was really stupid.

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  31. sumetha1:50 PM

    Hiya Una.. I'm hooked to your blog and at times its the only thing that establishes my sanity in this fucking world... N yeah, I even mentioned your blog in my campus interview and got the job too...
    Well two days back I decided to read your blog chronologically and recognised that this was the first post of yours that lured me into your web after googling 'unexplained bleeding wounds'...
    p.s. i'm a sassy curmudgeon from India..

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