Thursday, March 8, 2007

The Twelve Steps for Brides, by Una

Adapted from the original Twelve Step program for addiction, which is serious and not at all funny in its original form. Which is why I fixed it.

1. Admit that you are powerless over the urge to buy mini-sized candles in the shape of wedding cakes – 200 of them to be exact — and that this fact suggests that your life has become unmanageable.
2. Come to believe that a Power greater than yourself – namely, the Barney’s Warehouse Sale -- can restore you to sanity.
3. Make a decision to turn your will and your life over to wedding planning, to the point where watching 'Father of the Bride' while reading In Style Weddings seems perfectly rational.
4. Make a searching and fearless inventory of your wardrobe: do you have enough fierce dresses for all of your pre-wedding parties, or do you need more?
5. Admit to your fiance, to yourself, and to your credit agency the exact amount of your credit card bill.
6. Become entirely ready to have a facialist remove all of the defects of your complexion.
7. Humbly ask her to remove your mustache while she’s at it.
8. Make a list of all persons you consider ‘A List’ guests, and become willing to make amends to the ‘B List’ guests you have to cut from the reception for lack of room.
9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would dissuade them from sending gifts.
10. Continue to take shoe inventory and where you went wrong promptly search for receipts.
11. Seek through cardio and meditation to improve your body, praying only for knowledge of a way to stay fit while continuing to gorge on cake and champagne.
12. Wine. The last step is just wine.
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