Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Open Letter to the Street Lobbyist Who Accosted Me on the Corner of Bleecker and Broadway

Dear Suspiciously Over-Friendly Street Lobbyist,

I've tried to be pleasant. I answer a pretend cell phone call when I see you leap -- seemingly out of nowhere -- into my path. I smile tightly at you -- yes, my eyes may say 'Fuck you', but I make the effort to form my mouth into a forced mask of joy -- and shake my head as I make hesitant eye contact, and yet still you torment me. Some of your brethren politely ask if I have a moment for the environment, to which I can say, simply 'No." You, however, have mutated into an aggressive and ruthless breed. Your eyes are wild, your wide smile eerily reminiscent of Jack Nicholson in "The Shining". You wave at me, literally block my way, say things like "Ma'am, I know you like children!" There are so many things wrong with that sentence, starting with the ma'am. Also, how do you know I like children? Also, I'm on the phone. There is no way to put this delicately, OK? You are a blight on society. You are worse than telemarketers. You are like locusts, frogs, and blood rain poured into one brightly-vested human form. I know this sounds harsh, but come on -- you deserve it. I'd rather hear "Nice ass" from a lumpen bodega clerk than one of your manipulative, venom-tinged pleas.

Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. Think about that the next time you ask me if I like children. I don't even like kittens. I am your worst nightmare.




  1. I had a friend who had to street canvas, and every day she'd complain about how rude people were and I'd have to bite my tongue not to say " ITS BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE MOST IRRITATING JOB ON THE PLANET!". But anyway my point is I have come up with the BEST way to deflect these street people. I tell them I am ALREADY a proud member of insert : childrens international, greenpeace, etc. Then they just smile at you and say "thats right!good for you!" awesome.

  2. Anonymous10:14 AM

    Near my job we almost always have children's international. The other day I was walking to lunch in a particularly good mood and someone said, "do you have a minute for gay rights?" thinking thta maybe it wasnt for a monetary donation, but perhaps a signature for a petition, I joked "as long as they're not kids!" (you know, as in children's international driving me crazy for 3 years). The guy looked at me like i just shot his puppy. He responded, "um, well, no its mostly for adults." yet another one of my jokes falls flat.

  3. Aw, and there I was posting a comment to defend us (canvassers) over on your other post about this. Fine, look, I can't defend everyone... that person sounds like a crazy and I doubt that any organization would train them to bother people in that way. Maybe they should be selling perfume.


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