Wednesday, February 14, 2007

What If ...

When I was in high school, my best friend Anna and I used to crack ourselves up imagining what would happen were we to do totally inappropriate things. Like, what would happen if, during a boring Culture Day assembly, we were to rush the stage, screaming like madwomen? What would happen if, when our hard of hearing biology teacher asked us to repeat our question, we asked, “What the fuck is the vas deferens?”

Of course, we never did.

This fascination with impropriety has remained a staple of my sense of humor, although it’s usually only me who gets the joke. I find it hilarious to appear in the doorway of our living room with no pants on while Jeff is quietly reading, or to respond to a rhetorical question like “Do you love me?” with a deadpan “Nope.” Today my boss wrote an email to the whole company titled “Kathy will not be in today due to snow and ice” and immediately I wanted to write my own company-wide email:

From: Una LaMarche
Sent: Wednesday, February 14, 2007 9:59 AM
To: [redacted]
Subject: Una will be “in”

Hi all,

Even though I live in the “outer boroughs” and chose to wear suede boots with absolutely no traction, I managed to be the first one in today. Also, I brought candy, seeing as it is Valentine’s Day and we all could use – nay, deserve! – a little gastronomical distress to celebrate this Day of Love. In summation, I believe I have expended enough energy today already and, while I will technically be “in” the office, will most likely work on the Times Crossword for an hour, followed by a critical reading of today’s gossip columns. If you need me, you know where to find me.


A girl can dream, can’t she?

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