Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Only in New York: Sick Passenger, No Stab Wound

Sorry to start the new year -- and my blog-o-versary - off this way, but what the shit is this? In case you aren't intrigued enough by my hyperlink and use of the word shit, let me explain that this shit is an article I read in AM New York (You know you read it, too, when the winter months come and Vogue gets too heavy) about sick passengers on the subway.

Now, I am a veteran subway rider, and I would like to think I have all of the MTA code down by now: "Congestion in the tracks" usually means "Fire on the tracks" or "Rush hour suicide"; "There is another train right behind this one" means "Please stop hurling yourself at the half-closed doors." "Sick passenger", admittedly, is trickier. I think what immediately comes to mind when you hear "sick passenger" would be a good personality test. I like to imagine an elderly person who has emphysema and is having trouble breathing, but a friend of mine once told me that she assumes somebody's been stabbed. In any event, I tend to expect age-related illness, bloodshed, or at the very least motion-induced vomiting when my commute is interrupted. So you can imagine my surprise when the real culprit, oftentimes, is revealed to be ...

Women trying to lose weight.

Yes, that's right, ladies who have skipped breakfast or are in the midst of a self-punitive algae-and-cayenne pepper regimen are passing out and making me late for work. To this I say, what is up, ladies? First of all, woman to woman, I know you read Self and Shape and all of that brainwashing nonsense like I do, and although they generally promote a grotesquely unhealthy picture of female health in which happiness and weight are inversely proportional, they also stress, time and time again because all of the articles are exactly the same every single issue, that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Breakfast! BREAK FAST. "Lunch" and "dinner" are made-up words (I also made up that fact, but stay with me), but breakfast has a very special message, just for you. Breakfast says, Bitch! Eat something! And if you listen really close, I'm pretty sure it also says, And if you must faint from hunger, please do not ride the B or the Q between 8:30 and 9:30am!

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