Monday, November 13, 2006

Something Old, Something New, Something Brown, Something with Hideous Spangles on the sleeves ...

Yesterday I went to Kleinfeld, the world's schmanciest,JAP-iest, largest bridal salon. Don't get me wrong, the attendants are lovely and helpful and the place is swanky. It's just .... how to put this? I used to draw on my naked body with Crayola markers as a child. People frequently wipe things off of my face. I have been known to wear suede when it's raining, and I put my bras in the dryer. I'm just not meant to have nice things. So putting on $2800 dresses - white dresses - made me feel kind of like a very pretty bull in a couture china shop. All in all, though, it went well. I managed not to rip or sully anything and I learned some fun facts:

1. Do not wear see-through underwear. The woman helping you has just met you.

2. No matter how lovely it looks on the rack, a bodice resembling the Chrysler building will make you look like the Chrysler building.

3. Like their namesake, mermaid dresses are not meant for land.

4. Trust a dress only if you can lift it.

5. Pink and brown are not acceptable colors for wedding gowns. You can dress it up with lace; you're still wearing brown. I'm all for shunning tradition, but this is the color of poo, people. Can't we do better?

6. Do not wear see-through underwear. I cannot stress this enough.

Sadly, I did not find the ONE yesterday, but I'll keep you posted as I stomp my way through other pretty pretty princess shops around Manhattan.

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