Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Listmania: Moving; Bartman; Gerbils

Jeff and I spent Labor Day weekend moving the last of my stuff into the new apartment. By “last”, of course, I mean “heaviest”. We lugged, we heaved, we painted, we haggled over tchotchke placement. Now we are officially nesting.

Some things I learned en route to domestic bliss:

1. I am finally at the stage in life in which I have no clothing that I deem ugly enough to be willfully covered in paint. This I am sure is good news. That said, painting naked is tempting the scampy hand of fate and I do not recommend it.

2. I am fairly sure that moving Jeff’s futon mattress has prepared me, should I ever find myself in this particular compromising situation, to move a 200-lb dead body.

3. My coveted circa-1989 Bartman figurine will undermine the elegance of any piece of furniture he perches on.

4. 10 straight hours of decorating + 5 Diet Cokes make Una go crazy (Just kidding, though …. I love my DC)

I did take a quick break on Sunday to see “Snakes on a Plane”. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. It’s a perfectly good popcorn flick, and I guess the reason it’s gotten so much backlash is simply that it was so hyped. The title is a great hook. I wonder if David Letterman has done a Top Ten List yet. I’ll help him out.

TOP TEN REJECTED CONCEPTS FOR “SNAKES ON A PLANE”

10. Rats in a 4th Floor Walkup
9. Monkeys on a Moped
8. Toddlers on a High-Rise Balcony
7. Goyem at a Bat Mitzvah
6. Feral Cats on an Ocean Liner
5. Roseanne Barr on a Juice Fast
4. Antiques Roadshow on a Submarine
3. Perfect 10 Models on an Enormous Trampoline Covered in Jello (see also: Top Slumber Party Games at the Playboy Mansion)
2. Gerbils on the Acela Express
1. Poop on the A-Train Platform

I actually saw the last one with my own eyes. It was riveting and grotesque, but probably wouldn’t bring in the really big crowds.
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2 comments :

  1. >> Feral Cats on an Ocean Liner

    HAHAHAHAHA

    ReplyDelete
  2. John Z3:40 PM

    Oh, I love seeing people poop in public places. It makes you think -- we are fucking animals.

    And then, the next time you have to poop, you think -- is it so civilized to poop in a porcelain bowl of water and then flush it into the ocean?

    ReplyDelete

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