In elementary school I was part of a clique of girls called UTAH. Yes, I’m serious. It was pretty much the only anagram of the first letters of our names that formed a word (without me they could have been something cute like HAT), and so we had to settle for a proper noun that calls to mind polygamy and a foul-smelling Salt Lake. Anyway, within this clique of friends we all decided we had to have nicknames. The nicknames were apropos of absolutely nothing, but they made us laugh. Adri was “A-Track”. Tara was “T-Money”. And me? I was “U-Haul”. I thought it was funny. Now that I’m a grown-up and have become familiar with my nick-namesake company, I realize that I may as well have called myself “Exxon” or “New Coke”; no two ways about it, I picked a lemon. I want to be associated with U-Haul about as much as I want to be associated with venereal disease.
I don’t even have the time or energy to go into detail about what’s wrong with U-Haul. They just suck, gloriously. From the unreliable reservation system to the (and I’m being generous) non-existent customer service to the complete morons (to call them retards would be an insult to actual retarded people) working the desks, the one thing U-Haul does brilliantly is suck at a level that really puts all other sucking to shame. If you don’t believe me, Google "U-Haul sucks".. The real kicker is that they have a monopoly, so you basically have no choice but to use them, and they know that, so they really don’t give a shit. I’m starting to think that U-Haul really must be run by the mafia, because I don’t understand why I can choose from fifty thousand different restaurants and a million different lipstick shades, but when it comes to making major life changes like moving, I will undoubtedly be forced to wait in line for 6 hours for a “confirmed” reservation that is neither reserved nor confirmed and will eventually find myself driving a shit box from hell down 4th Avenue, rushing to meet my return deadline while my wordly possessions rattle around in the back because there is NO FUCKING ALTERNATIVE.
I thought the whole point of America was to have so many choices that you become either incredibly fat or depressed.
I mean, right?
P.S. U-Haul sucks. Pass it on.