Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Special Rant, Moving Edition: U-Suck, U-Haul!

In elementary school I was part of a clique of girls called UTAH. Yes, I’m serious. It was pretty much the only anagram of the first letters of our names that formed a word (without me they could have been something cute like HAT), and so we had to settle for a proper noun that calls to mind polygamy and a foul-smelling Salt Lake. Anyway, within this clique of friends we all decided we had to have nicknames. The nicknames were apropos of absolutely nothing, but they made us laugh. Adri was “A-Track”. Tara was “T-Money”. And me? I was “U-Haul”. I thought it was funny. Now that I’m a grown-up and have become familiar with my nick-namesake company, I realize that I may as well have called myself “Exxon” or “New Coke”; no two ways about it, I picked a lemon. I want to be associated with U-Haul about as much as I want to be associated with venereal disease.

I don’t even have the time or energy to go into detail about what’s wrong with U-Haul. They just suck, gloriously. From the unreliable reservation system to the (and I’m being generous) non-existent customer service to the complete morons (to call them retards would be an insult to actual retarded people) working the desks, the one thing U-Haul does brilliantly is suck at a level that really puts all other sucking to shame. If you don’t believe me, Google "U-Haul sucks".. The real kicker is that they have a monopoly, so you basically have no choice but to use them, and they know that, so they really don’t give a shit. I’m starting to think that U-Haul really must be run by the mafia, because I don’t understand why I can choose from fifty thousand different restaurants and a million different lipstick shades, but when it comes to making major life changes like moving, I will undoubtedly be forced to wait in line for 6 hours for a “confirmed” reservation that is neither reserved nor confirmed and will eventually find myself driving a shit box from hell down 4th Avenue, rushing to meet my return deadline while my wordly possessions rattle around in the back because there is NO FUCKING ALTERNATIVE.

I thought the whole point of America was to have so many choices that you become either incredibly fat or depressed.

I mean, right?

P.S. U-Haul sucks. Pass it on.


  1. Know who else sucks? Time Warner. We alerted them we were moving, but there was no internet when we arrived at the new place. We scheduled an appointment with a three week wait, which we then confirmed. We waited at home for four hours, but the person never showed up... because our appointment had been rescheduled, without anyone notifying us, for two weeks later. And, like with U-Haul, we have no alternative but to suck it up and cross our fingers for a partial refund.

  2. This wasn't news to me. My cousins' family had some kind of seriously unfortunate experience with U-Haul when they moved from D.C. to Michigan. For years, this prompted them to, whenever seeing a U-HAUL, chant "BOO U-HAUL! YAY RYDER!" as the latter apparently saved the day. Is there no Ryder in New York? Cuz... that's the most popular alternative.

    A couple years later, a drunk man behind the wheel of a Ryder truck collided with the family vehicle of a girl we went to elementary school with. The classmate, her grandmother and grandfather were killed. Her cousin was left with a severe mental incapacity. Even though it wasn't the company's fault, this event prompted the following reaction whenever we would see a U-HAUL:

    BOO U-HAUL! YAY... (awkward silence).

    True (and completely depressing) story!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...