Sunday, August 27, 2006

The Ice-Cream Thief and other stories

I still feel so bad about what happened yesterday. It seriously ruined my day, which I hope brings some happiness to those I offended. I spent most of the day fighting with my boyfriend, sobbing, and cleaning the bathroom (not all at once, thank God -- that would be the most terrible trifecta ever). Then last night I had bad dreams.

To hopefully even the score, I'm going to list for you, in this public forum, all of the things that suck about me as a roommate. I will try very hard to be painfully honest.

1. I will eat your food. I will only eat the good stuff, too -- ice cream, cookies, left-over Chinese. Sometimes I will replace it, but other times I will just hope that you won't notice, and later, if you ask me about it, I will lie. It's a compulsive behavior that I can't seem to kick.

2. I leave my dishes in the sink. Sometimes I wash them, but usually I leave them until they form a big pile.

3. The towel in the bathroom smells. The reason is that I'll leave it there for a week or so, in an un-ventilated bathroom, and use it to dry my hair. It never quite dries, and ends up smelling of mildew, at which point I might wash it, but other times I just Febreze, Febreze, Febreze.

4. I leave hair elastics lying around, and, since my hair is long and thick, they often have a little bundle of hair clustered around them.

5. I use way too much toilet paper. I am that guy. I wrap it around my hand until I have a giant swab. Because of this we run out of toilet paper at an alarming rate. Of course, I rarely buy it. Someone else always will.

6. I am a messy cooker. I drip and drop things all over the counters and the floor, and sometimes I don't clean them up.

7. If you are female, chances are I have at some point used your makeup or your cleanser or your face lotion or your hair mousse. If it's in the bathroom I have definitely used it (maybe even to the point where I use half of it) and if it's in your bedroom then I have probably used it to test it out, but then only when you are not home.

8. On that note, I will use whatever shampoo is in the shower caddy, not just my own. As you can see from items 1 and 7, I have a "grass is always greener" compulsion that leads me to take/use other people's things without asking. I won't steal or anything, but I'll use your expensive conditioner without a second thought.

9. I made fun of my roommates' cats. Well, I was kind of mean to their cats. I almost never petted them and spent most of my time batting them away or kicking them out of my room. I'm a bitch.

10. I made fun of Flan flavor Jell-O. Well, here's some of the stuff I eat: banana-flavored fiber bars; chocolate-flavored peanut butter; cottage cheese mixed with avocado; parmesan-ranch fake "chik'n patties"; Wheat Thins with cream cheese; spelt bread; soy nut butter; lumpy homemade oat bran-flax muffins. You think my old roommates could maybe have made fun of those?

Ahhh, I feel better now. I'm going to go cry into my spelt toast, and then I have to go buy toilet paper. Fun day #2, comin' atcha.

1 comment :

  1. I rearrange your carefully organized bookshelf (genre, auteur) to be more visually pleasing (size, color).


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