Okay, so apparently Katie Holmes gave birth sometime this morning to “Tom Cruise’s baby”*. I am skeptical. She has been pregnant for like 11 months, her “baby bump” kept changing size, seemingly with a retractable protruding belly button … I don’t usually get too emotionally involved in celebrity business (and for those of you who are laughing right now, let me say that there is a difference between being interested or entertained and actually caring. There’s a difference.), but this whole thing is a little too “Rosemary’s Baby” (and note, here the quotations are un-ironic) for my tastes. I mean, you’ve got Katie playing Mia Farrow, only more docile and Fembot-ty; Tom Cruise playing that cheesy actor husband who gets mind-fucked by a cult; Kirstie Alley and John Travolta as the scary neighbors who worship Satan … I mean Xenu. Or whatever.
They named the baby – a girl, or “female spawn” – Suri, which, I think, is Hebrew or Persian for “public relations stunt”.
*Here are some possible fillings for those quote marks: “Some dude’s baby”; “L. Ron Hubbard’s demon seed”; “An adopted baby who was whisked from its REAL birth mother into Katie’s waiting arms”; “A large pillow”.
**More fun with quotes: “prosthetic pregnant stomach”; “large pillow”; “head of lettuce”; “stuffing”.