Thursday, February 23, 2006

PMS: A User's Guide


“For the frustrated boyfriend”


Q: What is PMS?

A: PMS is a serious psychological and physical condition brought on by hormonal changes having to do with the fact that our bodies are freaking out at having been fed synthetic hormones that have prevented us from becoming pregnant, which is what our bodies were made to do, and you should be thankful that we take our pills every day when you have to do nothing but carelessly ejaculate.

Q: Ohhhhh-kaaaaaay. So how should I deal with it?

A: Well, there are two main expressions of PMS: sadness/depression (SAD), and rage/frustration (MAD). The first category can be recognized by the following behaviors: crying, pouting, making self-destructive comments like “I’m so fat” or “I’m ugly”, or feelings of deep despair and hopelessness similar to clinical depression. If your girlfriend fits into to the “SAD” category, you should pamper her and tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is, how everything is going to be OK. She might not believe you, but just stick to the script. If you say something wrong she could flip over to “MAD” in the blink of an eye. Remember that she is unwittingly irrational during PMS. She does not know what she is doing, nor can she help you deal with it. She doesn’t know what she needs, but she knows that you’re not doing it. I realize that this can be frustrating. Just remember that that she doesn’t mean to burden you and you should do your best to remember all of the wonderful things that she does for you that have earned her a night of acting like an evil, retarded baby.

If she is MAD, you should lay low. You’ll recognize MAD by the following behaviors: screaming, ranting, throwing things, yelling at you, glowering, pushing you away, berating inanimate objects. Don’t abandon her – this may cause SAD symptoms to return – but stay in another room and try to check up on her without being intrusive. If she snaps at you, remember that she doesn’t mean it. Try not to get yourself into a fight. If you find yourself in a fight, immediately do the emotional equivalent of a STOP, DROP, AND ROLL: APOLOGIZE, APOLOGIZE, AND APOLOGIZE. I realize that this goes against everything that your gender stands for, and I realize that apologizing is frustrating when you may not be wrong. However, if you want to have a bearable evening, you must acquiesce. You are on defense, buddy. Never underestimate how much worse things can get. They can always get worse.

When SAD and MAD combine, you have a little Linda Blair, head-spinning kind of situation on your hands. You’ve gotta go with it. You’ve got to be ready to either pamper or apologize and you’ve got to make sure to do the right one at the right time. This is actually a good workout for your brain. It’s like emotional Tetris.

Q: Is there anything I should NEVER do?
A: That is a very good question. Yes, there are a few things that you should never, ever do when faced with PMS.

• Never utter the words “crazy” or “irrational” in reference to us. Never. In other words, never point out the obvious.
• Never ignore us.
• Never leave unless you are going to the store and are coming back with chocolate.
• When we try to bait you – and we will (though it is unintentional) – by asking questions like “Am I crazy?” or “I’m not as bad as your ex-girlfriend, right?” or “Don’t I look heavier to you?” NEVER tell us anything other than what we want to hear. On a normal day you might be able to get away with being honest, but not today. You MUST tell us what you know we want to hear.

(These should work at all times. If you find yourself flailing, refer to the above FAQ section for troubleshooting)

1. Tell us how much you love us. (We may say, “Even when I’m [insert some derogatory comment here]?” You must dodge this bullet by simply replying, “I love you unconditionally.” Leave it at that. Don’t add, “Even when you’re [insert derogatory comment]. Don’t ever repeat the derogatory comment or suddenly we will think you said it.
2. Get us a snack (Chocolate preferable. We will refuse it, saying, “I’m so fat already.” The correct response to this is “You’re beautiful, and nothing’s going to change that. This will make you feel better.”)
3. Massage us, rub our feet, or stroke our hair. (If we attempt to dissuade you by saying “But I’m so disgusting!” return to the “I love you and you are beautiful” script and rub us anyway. We like to be rubbed. )
4. Watch a funny movie with us. It MUST be funny. Otherwise we may start crying. Oh, who are we kidding, we’ll cry anyway. Just kiss us when we do.


You are on defense. You apologize. You pamper. You remember that we will reward you for your good behavior.

P.S. I do not want any belligerent women's lib comments about this. I am a very strong and progressive woman, but I created this for my boyfriend after a night of .... questionable behavior on my part that ended with him comparing me to a "live grenade". If you do not see that this was intended as funny, keep your comments to yourself. Did I mention that I currently have PMS and will beat you down?


  1. "...when you have to do nothing but carelessly ejaculate."

    it took me forever to understand this bit, but then i realized you must've meant, "when you have nothing better to do but carelessly ejaculate." i didn't realize that ejaculate was a VERB and not a NOUN. i saw a little vial in your hand, as though a science project were about to begin.

    oh well, i don't mean to criticize. what i meant to say was, "no, you make perfect sense." please don't hurt me or my family.

  2. micah5:55 PM

    if i ever ask someone the sentence, "do you feel up to making love?" i want you, una, to jump out of a nearby closet and shoot me in the head.


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